


i remember when i lost my mind (you really think that you're in control?)

by blackrose1002, BlackVultures



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Crying, Dark!Mac, Dirty Talk, Drug Use, First Kiss, First Time, Gaslighting, Getting Together, Hallucinations, Hand Jobs, Handwaving, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Magical Mystery Tour, Moving In Together, Mutual Pining, Pining, Psychological Horror, Self-Harm, Violent Thoughts, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:09:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27788038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackrose1002/pseuds/blackrose1002, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackVultures/pseuds/BlackVultures
Summary: Itfeltreal, though... and that was enough to convince Mac to take the DMT again.Notnow, obviously, but maybe in a few days, once it had time to clear his system. He rubbed the back of his head, a dull throbbing pain building near the base of his skull, and he decided he needed some water. He collected everything and put it back in the tote bag, heading into the house and hiding it in the back of one of his kitchen cabinets. Then he filled a glass with water and drank the whole thing.He almost didn’t notice the shadowy figure watching him from the back porch, and when he did, he convinced himself it wasn’t real.(What would've happened if Mac had continued to take DMT after the events of 4x10? Let's find out.)
Relationships: Jack Dalton/Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Comments: 70
Kudos: 85





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This is a fic that Kaja and I have been SUPER EXCITED about posting since we finished it!!! I'm going to restrain myself and not say much because I don't want to spoil ANYTHING, but I just wanted to let you know that this fic does contain some disturbing content. It should all be tagged (and I'll update the tags as we go) but I'll also be posting warnings at the beginning of each chapter - the only one I have for the opening salvo is **drug use**. In case you don't remember 4x10, Mac took a drug called [dimethyltryptamine (DMT)](https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-dmt) in order to find memories he'd lost in his subconscious because of a head injury. This drug is real and has practical uses in medicine, but also a ton of nasty side effects. Obviously we've taken some liberties with it here, but so did the show so I don't feel bad about it. ;) On to the fic! As always, please let us know what you think and enjoy!
> 
> (Title is from "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley, but I LOVE [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6v4I4N5DyA) version by Nothing But Thieves.)

Angus MacGyver had never been one to learn his lesson.

Not when it came to school, of course—he was at the top of all his classes and graduated two years early to attend MIT—but _life_ was a different matter. His dad used to say he was a glutton for punishment, always poking the metaphorical bear even when he knew it could bite him, and becoming an EOD tech only reinforced that theory. All of this ran through his head as he stood alone in the bowels of the Phoenix Foundation, squinting in the bright lights of the laboratory.

He’d come in to grab some paperwork, and in front of him on one of the counters happened to be a vial of drugs, probably a victim of reorganization. Upon closer inspection, Mac realized it was dimethyltryptamine, or DMT—the same drug he’d used to enter his own subconscious so the team could find Shiva. It was certainly... an experience, one that felt surreal even to him, a person open to all possibilities who knew exactly how mysterious science could be sometimes. But to enter his own mind and actually... _walk around_ in it, it was something else.

As surreal as it was, though, it did help him find what he was looking for... and he also got to spend a few moments with his mom, something he didn’t think would ever be possible. Objectively he knew that it wasn’t _really_ his mom but a simulacrum created by his memories of her, but it _felt_ real and that was what matters. And come to think of it, there was someone else he’d like to talk to right now...

He glanced around to double-check that he was alone, then angles his body so the lab cameras couldn’t see what he was doing. He snatched the vial off the counter and slipped it into his pocket, then reached into the cabinet underneath it and pulled out an IV kit. It came in a bag that disguised it, but Mac took a tote bag from Bozer’s stash and put it inside that anyway. He grabbed the paperwork he came in for and headed out of the lab, figuring it was late enough that he could leave the Phoenix for the day without anyone thinking it was strange.

It wasn’t until he went down to the garage and got into his truck that he realized how ridiculous and reckless he was being. He remembered what the doctor responsible for monitoring him said about DMT—it was dangerous and there were many side effects that could happen... and yet he just stole the drug from the Phoenix and was planning on using it alone, without anyone to watch over him. Despite that, he didn’t change his mind. Instead of going back up and returning the DMT to where he found it, he started his truck and drove away.

~***~

Mac got stuck in traffic on the way home—no surprise there, LA—and pulled out his phone to check his messages as he sat stalled on the highway. Nothing about a new mission, which was good, but also nothing about him stealing something from work, which was better. His thumb hovered over Riley’s name in his contacts as he debated calling her and asking her to come over while he used the DMT; just a few weeks ago he wouldn’t have had a choice because she was still living with him.

She found her own place and decided to move out and while Mac was happy for her, a part of him felt... disappointed when she left. He didn’t really enjoy living alone—it was too quiet for him and he tended to get lost in his thoughts when there was nothing around to distract him. Having Riley there was... nice, especially after he and Desi broke up and she stopped spending nights at his place. They managed to stay friends this time and Mac was grateful for that, because even if he didn’t love Desi the way she’d like him to, he wanted her in his life.

He stared at his phone until a horn honked behind him and he realized traffic started moving again. Sighing, he dropped it in his lap and decided not to have anyone come over, because they were going to try and talk him out of taking the DMT again. They would be right too, but Mac forced that thought out of his head. He knew that what he was about to do was risky, but... a part of him didn’t care if it went wrong.

After everything that happened, his dad’s and aunt’s deaths, the mess with Codex, pretending to go rogue... he was tired in a way that no one really understood.

And the only person he wanted to talk to wasn’t there.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts, he pulled into his driveway and cut the engine. Through the thin barrier of the garage door was Jack’s GTO, which had sat nearly untouched in the two years he’d been gone. Mac had moved it a few times, driven it around the block, kept up with the maintenance, but anything more felt... wrong.

He hopped out of the truck with his supplies and got into the house, and then he decided if he was going to try and find Jack in his subconscious, the GTO was the perfect place to set up shop. He went to the garage and couldn’t help but smile softly when he saw the car. It was beautiful and he was instantly reminded of Jack’s love for it and how he would treat it like his baby. He touched the hood gently, swallowing hard when he could almost _hear_ Jack’s voice in his head, teasingly telling him to keep his hands off, worried Mac would try to blow it up.

He blinked hard to dispel the tears burning his eyes. He’d miss Jack like a lost limb if he didn’t feel the way he did about him... but being in love with someone you couldn’t have always made everything worse. He climbed in on the passenger’s side and just sat for a moment, breathing in the smell of leather from the seats. Then he rolled up his sleeves, debating which arm would be better for the IV, and he decided it was probably the left one since he was right-hand dominant.

Something occurred to him and he couldn’t help but chuckle. Jack was always very strict when it came to eating or drinking anything in the GTO—it wasn’t allowed and neither was bleeding out in it... but here Mac was, about to take drugs inside Jack’s precious car. It was ironic, really, but it was also exactly something Mac would do... so Jack probably wouldn’t be too angry about that. He would yell at him about the drugs, no doubt about that... unless he didn’t care about Mac anymore.

That was a real possibility, one that was too raw and painful for Mac to think about for any length of time. He shook it off, not wanting to get distracted—his mom told him that was the worst thing he could do inside his own head. As he swabbed the back of his left hand and inserted the IV cannula he thought briefly of that... _other_ version of himself he met the last time he did this, but decided he wasn’t afraid of him.

The other him tried to convince Mac that what Codex did was right, but there was no more Codex so there was no more dark side to drag him to. Besides, that... _evil_ version of him, it was just a part of his imagination—Mac could handle that just fine. He hooked up the IV bag and tubing to the cannula, careful to make sure there was no air in the line—the last thing he needed was an embolism. He hung the bag off the sun visor and checked the dosing instructions on the DMT, quickly calculating how much he needed to give himself.

It turned out it was only about half the vial, and he used the included syringe to inject it into the line. He remembered it didn’t take long for him to drift away once the drug got into his system, so he relaxed in the passenger seat and closed his eyes. He tried to focus on the smells in the car and all the other things reminding him of Jack—that was the point of all this, to see the man he loved again, so he didn’t want to fuck it up.

~***~

Mac’s eyes slipped shut on their own and when he opened them again, he wasn’t in the GTO anymore—in fact, at first he wasn’t sure where he was.

He was lying on the ground and it was warm, and soon the sounds of people talking and laughing reached his ears. When he sat up and rubbed his forehead he realized he was underneath a sign for the Texas State Fair... and he knew why his subconscious brought him there. He swallowed hard and stood up, his legs shaking a little. He took a deep breath and tried to steady himself, and once he was sure he wasn’t going to fall down he took a look around. Everything was pretty much like it was when he was actually there, and he couldn’t help but smile at the memory.

The first time he came with Jack to Texas to visit his family, Jack insisted on coming here... and of course Mac went with him, he would have followed Jack anywhere. It was their only vacation after taking their jobs with DXS where one of them wasn’t injured. Jack had left some stuff at his mom’s house that he wanted to bring to LA and asked Mac if he wanted to take a road trip. He’d agreed, of course, and he loved every minute of it, from singing along to Jack’s favorite albums in the car to meeting his partner’s family.

Squinting in the bright sunlight, Mac undid the first couple of buttons on his shirt, sweat already beading on his face. He joined the crowd of fairgoers and wondered where exactly he’d find Jack. He tried to recall if any spot they went to had any significant meaning to them... and after a moment he smiled. Maybe it wasn’t very meaningful, but one of the many things Jack loved was food. Mac remembered the smile on his face and the way his eyes lit up when Mac mentioned snacks, so he decided to head there first, hoping Jack was hanging out near the popcorn cart.

He looked around at all the different food stands, from fried dough to pretzels, but he didn’t see Jack. Just as disappointment flashed through his body, a sound caught his attention above the constant din of the crowd. There, over by the game booths... Mac swore he saw the flash of Jack’s yellow aviators. He pushed in that direction and made out the target shooting game, another memory coming back to him—Jack won him a prize at that booth.

Mac remembered the way his silly heart fluttered when Jack handed him a huge teddy bear wearing a cowboy hat. It was so big Mac could barely see as he was carrying it, and it’d been the main prize because of course Jack was pretty much flawless when it came to target shooting. In that moment Mac let himself pretend that there was... more going on between them because that was what couple did, right? They played games and won prizes for each other, and Mac had treasured that teddy bear ever since—it was still in his bedroom.

He finally got through the crowd of people and stopped in his tracks, because that was definitely Jack shooting a pellet gun at the targets inside the booth. It was his broad shoulders in a ripped Rolling Stones t-shirt, his faux hawk, and his perfect ass. All of that sped through Mac’s mind in a half-second, and then he reached out, grabbing Jack by the shoulders and turning him around so he could crush him in a hug.

“Hey, what the—” Jack exclaimed, and it was his _voice_ , that Texas accent making Mac tear up. “Mac?” he heard him ask a moment later, and then his arms wrapped around him, and god, it felt so _real_. “Hey, hoss, what’s up?” Jack murmured, pulling back a little to look into Mac’s eyes. “What’s got you so shaken up?”

Mac tried to smile but it wavered, and he kept his hands on Jack’s shoulders. He took in every detail of Jack’s face that he’d missed, from the crinkles around his eyes to the scruff on his jaw. “I just missed you, that’s all,” he said, his voice cracking. “I know you don’t think it’s been very long... but for me it has.”

Jack tilted his head and then smiled softly, keeping his arms around Mac’s waist. “You know, I’ve always wanted to know what it would be like to get a glimpse of what’s goin’ on in your head,” he said, glancing around. “Whatever I imagined, it wasn’t this. I always thought your mind was full of equations and science shit... not that it looked like a fair in Texas.” He grinned. “I approve, obviously.”

Mac hesitated for a split second, then touched Jack’s cheek with his fingertips. “I know this isn’t real, that you’re just... part of me, technically,” he started, his smile coming back and staying this time. “Because if you were real you wouldn’t still be holding me... but it’s nice. You have no idea how much I miss you.” He paused, chuckling ruefully. “Or I guess you do, since you’re me. God, this is confusing.”

“It doesn’t have to be confusing, hoss,” Jack said, not pulling back from Mac’s touch. “Stop overthinking it. And yes, I know it’s like tellin’ a fish to stop swimming. But at least try.” He grinned again, but it was softer this time, and then Jack reached with one hand to brush Mac’s hair out of his eyes. “Just... hang out with me.”

Mac leaned into Jack’s touch like he was always so tempted to do in real life... back when they were actually friends and did more than shake hands. “Okay,” he whispered, and they parted slowly, but he didn’t stray far from Jack’s side. “I don’t know how long I’ll be able to stay, though. The drug I’m using to be here is... unpredictable.”

Jack raised his eyebrows and gave him a pointed look. “That doesn’t sound safe, hoss,” he said, just like Mac knew he would... most likely because they were still in his mind and he was actually imagining all of this. “Actually, it sounds super risky and not like something you should do.” They started slowly walking, not heading anywhere in particular, just... strolling around. “Are you gonna be okay after this?”

“I don’t know,” Mac admitted, reaching for Jack’s hand and smiling when he laced their fingers together. “But I _do_ know that I’m not okay right now, and I haven’t been for a while.” They mutually decided to wait in line for frozen lemonade. “I could explain why... but since you’re not real, all you have to do is look for what I’m talking about and you’ll be all caught up.”

“Oh yeah, I’m aware of what happened, no worries,” Jack said, the grin fading away from his face. “I know you’ve been through a lot, but... that ain’t the reason to start doing drugs, man.”

“That’s not why I did it,” Mac protested, unconsciously taking a step closer to Jack. “I mean, yeah, I’m pretty fucked up... but I just wanted to see you. To talk to you, and since you’re not answering my calls... that was the only way.”

Jack’s eyebrows furrowed. “I ain’t answering your calls? Why would that be?”

“I’m not sure,” Mac said, hearing how his voice trembled and hating himself for it. Suddenly they had their lemonades—no payment needed—and they made their way over to a bench and sat down. “I think there might be some kind of radio silence for your strike team. I’ve tried to get in touch a lot... so it’s either that or you don’t care anymore.”

“Hell no,” Jack immediately protested, letting go of Mac’s hand to squeeze his knee instead. “I’d never do that, you _know_ that. Remember what I told you when we were in that melting car? That as long as you’ve got me you’ve got family.”

“That was... a long time ago,” Mac whispered shakily, blinking his tears away. “Before I messed up and went to Nigeria, before we... before I destroyed us. Before I made you leave me.”

Jack shook his head, his hand staying on Mac’s knee like a lifeline. “Mac, listen, I know you like to blame yourself for everything, but that wasn’t—” He cut off, eyes darting around. “Did you see that? It was almost like...” His eyes got wide and he put both hands on Mac’s shoulders, tugging him to his feet. “I think _he’s_ here. We need to move, _now_.”

“What? Jack, what are you—” Mac started, but he didn’t get to finish because Jack grabbed his hand and started dragging him through the crowd, so fast Mac could barely keep up. He wasn’t sure how much time they spent running, but eventually Jack tugged him behind a big tent, his arms wrapping around Mac’s waist again. “Jack,” Mac panted, a little out of breath. “What’s going on?”

Jack hushed him, squeezing him close, face pressed against Mac’s hair.

The position pushed Mac’s face into Jack’s neck, but from the corner of his eye he saw movement through a crack in the tent’s canvas. At first he thought it was just the crowd churning around, but then he saw... something else moving against their current, dark like an oil slick and oddly familiar. He went stock still and stayed that way until the shadowy form moved on, and then he drew back to look at Jack.

“Who was that?” Mac asked, his mouth gone dry... because deep down he already knew the answer.

Jack smiled at him sadly and touched his cheek with his fingertips. “You know who it was,” he said quietly, his other arm firmly wrapped around Mac’s waist. “And it’s only a matter of time before he finds us. He knows you’re here.”

Mac swallowed hard, but then he took a deep breath. “I’m not afraid of him,” he replied, looking into Jack’s eyes and getting lost in his gorgeous eyes. “He’s... just a fragment of my imagination.”

The sadness in Jack’s expression morphed into something Mac had only seen a few times in real life: fear. “Mac, he’s not imaginary,” he whispered, looking at him imploringly. “You know that, don’t you? He _is_ you, just... the parts of you that you never acknowledge. And he’s more pissed off than a cat on a hot tin roof.” Another sad smile. “You should go before he finds you. And don’t come back.”

Mac swallowed hard because leaving meant losing Jack all over again and he... he didn’t _want_ to leave him. “I... I can’t,” he whispered, his heart aching, and he shifted even closer to Jack. “It’s not that easy, I need... adrenaline to wake up, I don’t know how—”

He stopped talking when Jack’s eyes widened, seeing something over Mac’s shoulder and he didn’t need to turn around to know that... that _he_ found them. Before he could react, however, Jack tugged him closer and after searching Mac’s eyes for a second he pressed their lips together. Mac gasped against his mouth, but he kissed him back, of course he did, his arms circling Jack’s neck. His heart started pounding wildly because this was all he’d ever wanted... and suddenly his eyes snapped open as he woke up with a loud gasp, back in the GTO.

~***~

Mac gripped the door with one hand, the other one coming up to cover his heart, which felt like it was about to explode out of his chest. He grabbed the IV cannula and yanked it out with a little too much force, blood trickling down his hand a second later. He was dizzy and nauseous, but elated at the same time because he _saw Jack_. And more than that, he touched him, held him, _kissed_ him like he always dreamed of doing.

He took a few deep breaths and made sure his blood didn’t stain anything in the car before he leaned back and closed his eyes. It helped with the dizziness and Mac couldn’t help but smile widely, touching his lips gently with his fingertips. He swore he could still feel them tingle after kissing Jack, he remembered how his stubble felt against his skin, and in that moment he was so damn happy... but then his brain reminded him that none of it was real.

It _felt_ real, though... and that was enough to convince Mac to take the DMT again.

Not _now_ , obviously, but maybe in a few days, once it had time to clear his system. He rubbed the back of his head, a dull throbbing pain building near the base of his skull, and he decided he needed some water. He collected everything and put it back in the tote bag, heading into the house and hiding it in the back of one of his kitchen cabinets. Then he filled a glass with water and drank the whole thing.

He almost didn’t notice the shadowy figure watching him from the back porch, and when he did, he convinced himself it wasn’t real.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Thank you SO much for the lovely comments on the first chapter!!! I'm so glad you guys are as excited about this fic as we are!!! <3 Warnings for this chapter include **drug use, nonconsensual kissing, and vomiting**. Hope you guys like it!

Much to Mac’s dismay, the opportunity to take the DMT again didn’t present itself until two weeks later. He’d been swamped with work at the Phoenix and a few days after he took the drug for the first time, when he was about to take it again, Matty had called, saying they had a new mission. It went on for much longer than anyone had anticipated and right now they were all on the jet, finally on their way back home.

Mac couldn’t help how anxious he was to get back to his house, foot tapping lightly against the carpeted floor. He stared out the window for a while, totally zoned out until Russ clapped him on the shoulder. “So, what do you say, Angus?” he asked, and that was when Mac realized he’d tuned out the team’s conversation. “Are you up for a round at the pub when we land?”

Mac blinked at him and then swore internally. If he said yes he knew it wouldn’t end with just one round which meant he’d get home late... and he wasn’t stupid enough to take the DMT after drinking. But if he said no... the team might start to suspect something. “I... actually, it’s been a long day,” he said, and it wasn’t a lie, he was pretty tired. “I think I’m just gonna head home.”

“Oh, I think I know what that means,” Riley teased, reaching over to shove lightly at Mac’s knee. “Who’s the lucky lady?”

“It’s a lucky guy, actually,” Mac said without thinking... and nobody seemed remotely phased, they just looked at him expectantly. He felt bad for lying... but then again, he couldn’t tell them the truth, so what else was he supposed to do? “And it’s pretty new, so I don’t want to say too much. This is only our second date.”

“Oh, come on!” Riley exclaimed. “You’ve gotta give us more than that!”

“May I remind you that you were living with Aubrey for _six_ months before we even found out about his existence?” Mac retorted, raising one eyebrow.

Riley nodded reluctantly. “Fine. But after the third date you’re giving us more details.”

“Deal,” Mac agreed, figuring he was going to lie again later and say that he and his mysterious boyfriend didn’t work out and called it quits.

~***~

They landed shortly after that exchange and Mac headed straight for his truck after he said goodbye to the others, thankful he had the foresight to drive to the airport himself. The drive home passed by in a blur and as soon as Mac was in the door he grabbed the tote bag and rushed to the garage, sitting in the GTO and dosing himself with DMT. He was going to need to find a way to get more after this, but he’d cross that bridge when he got to it.

For now he pushed that out of his head and just like before, he focused on Jack, breathing in the smell of the car. He closed his eyes and relaxed, basically vibrating with excitement at the idea of seeing Jack again. He was breathing slowly and eventually he drifted away... and the next time he opened his eyes he wasn’t in the GTO anymore. He wasn’t at the fair either and when he looked around his heart fluttered because he realized his subconscious picked Jack’s ranch this time.

He took a deep breath of cool night air, tipping his head back to look up at the canopy of stars above his head. There was a bright full moon shining on everything, bathing the house in an ethereal glow. He walked up the dirt driveway to the wide front porch and wondered if he should knock. Before he could figure it out, however, the door swung open... and Jack was standing on the other side.

“Goddammit, Mac,” was the first thing Jack said, but even despite that greeting Mac couldn’t help but grin widely. “Hoss, we talked about this, I told you not to come back.”

He wasn’t telling Mac to get lost—they were in his mind after all—so Mac took a step closer, barely stopping himself from reaching out to touch Jack. “I... I wanted to see you,” he said, swallowing hard. “Last time was... amazing.”

“Yeah, it was,” Jack agreed, stepping back to let him inside. The house looked just as Mac remembers it (duh), from the wide plank floors to the weird old wallpaper. “But that doesn’t mean you can keep doing this, Mac. It’s dangerous.” A flash of fear, just like last time. “ _He’s_ dangerous.”

“What do you call him?” Mac asked, curious even as he put his hands on Jack’s shoulders.

Jack sighed, leaning into Mac’s touch. “Angus. We call him Angus.”

Mac raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Really?”

“Yeah, well... he _is_ you,” Jack replied, putting his hands on Mac’s hips. “But calling him Mac doesn’t feel right.”

Mac nodded because it made sense and then he slid his hands to wrap his arms around Jack and pull him closer. He buried his nose in his neck, breathing in the smell of leather and gunpowder, smiling a little before something registered in his brain. “Wait, we? Who is we?”

“Everybody in your head,” Jack replied, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. He raised his eyebrows and smiled when Mac pulled back to look at him incredulously. “What, you thought I was the only one here? _Everyone_ lives in here, Mac—your mom, your dad, your grandpa. Hell, even Riles is here somewhere. Anyone that’s important to you occupies space. Why did you think you saw your bully from school? Or Tesla and his nerdy pals, for that matter?”

“You know about that?” Mac breathed out, and then he felt like smacking himself. Of course Jack knew all about that because he wasn’t really Jack—everything around him had been created by him mind. He shook his head a little and then focused on Jack again. “I don’t care about the others,” he said quietly, swallowing hard. “Right now all I care about is you.”

Jack’s hands came up to frame Mac’s face, big and calloused but so gentle. “Then just think about me for a while,” he murmured, leaning in to press their lips together like he did at the fair.

This time Mac was expecting it so he didn’t get the same adrenaline spike, but he still shivered at the contact as he held Jack close. Jack’s lips felt perfect against his and the kiss was... right, like they should have been doing that for a long time. Mac inhaled sharply through his nose when after a moment Jack’s tongue licked over his lower lip, and he moaned softly when he opened up and Jack deepened the kiss. It was slow and amazing, and Mac felt his eyes burn with tears, but he ignored it, hoping this didn’t end any time soon.

Jack started walking him backward and he went willingly, groaning when his back hit the nearest wall. Their tongues slid together as he hitched a leg over Jack’s hip and grasped desperately at his shoulders and neck, wanting him as close as possible. Some of the sensations he felt were... odd, and he realized that his mind was filling in gaps because it didn’t know _exactly_ how it would feel to be pressed against a wall by Jack, but that was okay. This was... more than enough.

“I love you,” he gasped against Jack’s lips, groaning when Jack gripped his thigh and reached for his other leg, picking him up and holding him against the wall. “I love you so much, Jack,” he whispered, figuring that this was the only way he was ever going to tell Jack how he felt.

“I love you too, darlin’,” Jack murmured against his lips, and Mac’s heart almost burst.

He broke away and blinked up at the ceiling, trying and failing to hold back his tears. They spilled down his cheeks as he pulled Jack in for another kiss, passionate and a little sloppy. He wrapped his legs around Jack’s waist and moaned when he felt Jack’s hard cock press against his ass through their jeans. He wasn’t surprised that his subconscious decided to play this scenario—he imagined being with Jack like this so many times, especially once he gave up trying to deny his feelings years ago.

“What are we doin’ here, Mac?” Jack whispered, breaking the kiss to mouth over his jaw. “It is your mind, after all.”

“I want you to fuck me,” Mac replied without conscious thought, because he’d wanted this for so long and that was how all his fantasies went. “ _Please_ , Jack.”

“Gladly,” Jack said, nipping at the bone under his lips—and all of a sudden he froze, almost like someone pressed pause.

Mac blinked and looked past Jack’s head... and saw himself standing in the doorway, smirking. “Well, isn’t this just _adorable_ ,” Angus drawled. He wore a black-on-black combination of skinny jeans and a leather jacket, hair pushed back from his face. “We need to talk.”

Mac swallowed and forced himself to keep Angus’s gaze. “There’s nothing for us to talk about,” he said, sounding more confident than he felt. “And as you can see, I’m kinda busy, so...” He waved him off, trying to concentrate on Jack only.

Jack moved again after a moment, but he didn’t kiss him again—instead he looked up at him with eyes wide in fear. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. “Thought it would take him longer to find us.”

“Oh, _Jack_ ,” Angus chided, almost like he was scolding a small child, but with more mockery. He took one step and suddenly he was next to them, having traveled across the room in the space of a blink. “You should know better, baby.” He grinned when Mac’s eyes widened, hands dropping to hang at his sides in shock. “Oh, you thought you were the only one who wanted to hit that? Sorry, but I got here first. He’s the only redeeming quality to your little mind palace, Sherlock.”

Mac was so shocked that he barely noticed Jack setting him down on the ground, although he stayed next to him. It... made sense in a way—Angus was a part of him, whether he liked it or not, so... it was reasonable that he was just as attracted to Jack as Mac was.

“Cat got your tongue, buddy?” Angus sneered, smirking at him, and then he turned his gaze to Jack. “Come give me a kiss.” When Jack didn’t move, Angus frowned. “I said _give me a kiss_ ,” he repeated, his voice morphing into something sinister. The lights in the house flickered and a rumble sounded under their feet, like an earthquake on steroids. “ _Now_. Or do I have to punish you again?”

“No, please don’t,” Jack said quickly, and he closed the space between him and Angus, leaning in to press their lips together.

Mac sucked in a sharp breath, feeling sick as he watched Angus grip Jack’s t-shirt, shoving his tongue into his mouth. It was... surreal, watching himself kiss Jack like that, even though this version of him was clearly evil and up to no good. Angus pulled back after a moment, ending the kiss with a hard bite on Jack’s lower lip. “Good boy,” he murmured, patting his cheek. “Don’t you worry, we’ll have more fun later.” He looked at Mac again, still smirking. “But we need to have a chat first.”

“Fine,” Mac grated out, glaring at... _himself_. His hands curled into fists and he’d never hated his own face more than he did at that moment. “What do you want?”

“I want to know what the fuck you’re doing here,” Angus replied, snapping his fingers—and Jack disappeared like he was never there. “Because this is _my_ domain, Mac, not yours. That little visit to find Tesla and save the day was one thing, but you’ve come back twice now, and I don’t like that.”

“It’s _my_ mind,” Mac replied, glad he’d managed to keep his voice steady for now. “I can do whatever I want with it and that includes my trips inside.” He took a deep breath. “You’re just a small part of me. You can’t act like you’re the boss.” He looked at the spot where Jack was just moments ago and then turned his gaze back to Angus. “What did you do to him?”

Angus tilted his head and smiled, but it wasn’t a happy expression. “I just sent him somewhere so that he can’t bother us. The others are fearful enough to stay away, but Jack’s always been... stubborn, hasn’t he?” He walked a slow circle around Mac, looking him up and down, the spark of an idea making his eyes light up. “You know what? You’re right. It _is_ your mind, and you _can_ take a trip inside whenever you’d like.” A slow grin, not unlike a shark ready to kill. “And that means I can take a trip _outside_.”

“No, you can’t,” Mac immediately protested, doing his best not to let it show how... unsettled he felt. “You seem to be forgetting one little detail.” He took a step closer to Angus, refusing to be intimidated by... well, himself. “ _I’m_ in control here. As a part of me you don’t get to start making decisions for yourself. I decide where you go... and if I’m being honest, I want you gone.”

Angus got right in his face, so close their noses almost touched. “Then get rid of me,” he sneered, spreading his arms. “Go on, snap your fingers and make me disappear—oh, wait, you _can’t_.” He grinned again. “Because this might be _your_ mind, but that lovely drug you use to get you here? It makes you weak.” He snapped his own fingers and Jack reappeared, looking startled. “Have your fun, Mac. But I’ll be back soon... when you least expect it.” And then he was gone, vanishing just like Jack did.

Mac exhaled shakily and slumped against the nearest wall, closing his eyes and trying to stop the trembling of his hands. He startled when a moment later he felt a hand squeeze his shoulder and when he opened his eyes he saw Jack watching him in concern. “Are you okay?”

Mac made a rough sound that was supposed to be a laugh but fell short. “How can you ask me that?” he wondered, shrugging off Jack’s touch and stalking across the room, both hands digging into his hair. “He’s—I’m—apparently secretly some kind of monster!”

“He ain’t a monster and neither are you,” Jack protested, and Mac felt his warmth at his back a second later. “Angus is all of your bad parts, Mac. Everything you’ve repressed or pushed down, that’s what it turned into. But he’s still _you_.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better,” Mac whispered shakily, slowly turning around to face Jack. “He’s... evil, Jack. You saw it yourself, and to think that someone— _something_ like that is a part of me... it’s awful.” He sniffled and blinked away the fresh tears. “No wonder you’re so scared of him.” He swallowed hard. “What... what did he mean when he mentioned punishing you _again_?”

Jack shook his head. “Never you mind that,” he said, but Mac caught the slight tremor in his voice and the way his hands shook before he settled them on Mac’s shoulders. “It’s not important. What’s important is that you get outta here in one piece. Now that Angus is thinking about the outside world, you need to be more careful than ever.”

Mac swallowed hard because that... that sounded serious and he had a feeling he wasn’t going to like what Jack was about to say. “What do you mean?”

“You can never come back here, Mac,” Jack said quietly, and yeah, Mac was right—he _hates_ it. “Angus was right—that drug you’re taking to come here... it makes you weak. And the next time... he may be too strong for you to overcome. You need to stay away.”

“But that means I don’t get to see you anymore,” Mac whispered, and the devastation he felt at that idea must be audible in his voice because Jack shut his eyes. “Jack, I... I can’t live like that.”

Jack brought his hands up to frame Mac’s face. “You’re gonna have to,” he said, pulling him in so he could press his lips to Mac’s forehead. “I love you so much, darlin’.”

“I love you too,” Mac whispered, wrapping his fingers around Jack’s wrist, not wanting to let go. “I miss you so much, every day.”

“I’m right here with you, darlin’,” Jack murmured, leaning in to nuzzle his cheek. “Wherever you go, I’m with you. That version of me at least.” A weak smile. “The real me... not sure what his deal is, but don’t give up on him just yet.”

Mac smiled and it was wobbly but genuine. “I could never do that,” he said softly, turning his head until their lips met in a kiss.

That pressure stayed on his mouth until he woke up in the GTO, shivering like crazy. He barely had time to pull the IV out before he had to throw the door open and vomit on the garage floor. He puked so hard it hurts, his head pounding with pain in time with his skull. Once he was done he coughed and then leaned back in the seat, staring ahead with wide eyes, his heart racing as he tried to catch his breath. He was still shivering violently and he was pretty sure that if he tried standing right now, everything would spin around him, so he stayed put. He tried to think, to concentrate, but it was hard with the way his head _hurt_ and he just hoped he didn’t pass out.

His vision wavered at the edges, turning black, and for a second he swore he heard _laughter_. He looked around as much as he could but only saw the interior of his garage, nothing else. “Get a grip,” Mac said to himself, practically crawling out of the car and into the house, narrowly avoiding the vomit puddle. “You’re _fine_ , everything is _fine_.”

He checked if the front door was locked and then he stumbled to his bedroom, heading for the bathroom next. He leaned heavily against the counter and splashed some cold water on his face, blinking rapidly and trying to get his shit together. There was an awful taste in his mouth from throwing up, so he brushed his teeth and then looked up, staring at his reflection in the mirror. His vision wavered again and for a second his face split in two, everything doubling and morphing. He slammed his eyes closed and made a pained sound, gripping the edge of the sink to keep himself upright.

A chill ran up his back, goosebumps breaking out on his skin... and then he felt a tap on his shoulder.

He spun around, breathing hard, but there was nobody behind him.

“Fuck,” he whispered, his eyes darting around in search of a threat... but he was all alone.

He squeezed his eyes shut, massaging his temples, hoping the headache would ease on its own. Taking the DMT might be reckless, but he wasn’t reckless enough to take a pain pill while the drug was still in his system, so he would have to deal with it somehow. His heart was still pounding and he couldn’t stop shivering... and he couldn’t shake the feeling that somebody was watching him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Once again, thank you SO much for reading this fic, it means the world to us! <3 The next chapter might be delayed as I'm in the thick of my second MFA course and the holidays are right around the corner, along with surgery for yours truly (most likely on the 21st of December). I'll do my best to keep posting regularly, but I can't make any promises. No new warnings for this chapter except some **violence and minor self-harm**. Enjoy!

Three months later, Jack Dalton could hardly contain his excitement as his flight into LAX touched down. He’d been away from home for two years and he was about to surprise everybody he loved by returning unannounced. He grabbed his bag and bounded off the plane and across the tarmac, hooking himself up with a rental car before he pulled out on the highway and headed toward the Phoenix Foundation.

He thought of calling first, but then decided against it, figuring a surprise might be more fun for everyone. Even though it’d been two years he navigated through LA easily, the route to the Phoenix burned into his mind. He couldn’t help but grin when he thought about seeing everyone, especially Mac and Riley. He knew Mac had been calling him more recently, but unfortunately the strike team had been ordered to stay radio silent... and Jack just hoped Mac would understand once he explained.

Once he arrived he got waved through security and parked in his usual spot, which was still marked off for him after all this time. He hopped out of the car and headed for the elevator, taking it upstairs, and he managed to dodge people until he reached the war room. To his delight he saw Riley and Matty through the windows and he knocked on the door before he opened it. “Hey, ladies,” he said, grinning from ear to ear. “I’m new around here and I’m pretty sure I’m lost—where’s HR?”

Both Riley and Matty were completely still for a split second, staring at him with wide eyes... and then Riley ran toward him. “JACK!” she squealed, throwing herself at him, arms wrapping tightly around his neck.

Jack caught her right away, laughing loudly as he held her close and spun her around. “Hey, baby girl,” he murmured, pressing his face into her hair, hugging her so tightly he was pretty sure her ribs must creak.

“I missed you so much,” Riley said, her voice cracking with emotion. She hugged him just as hard, then leaned back to look at him. “Are you okay? You didn’t get hurt, right? We’ve been trying to contact you—”

“I’m fine, darlin’,” Jack interjected gently, pushing some hair back from her face. “We were on radio silence for a while, no big deal.” He looked over her shoulder at Matty. “Hi, boss lady.”

Matty smiled widely which was a rare thing to see. “Hey, Jack,” she replied, her voice uncharacteristically soft. “It’s so good to see you.”

Riley let him go a moment later and Jack walked up to Matty, getting down on one knee and opening his arms. “Likewise, Matty,” he said, and tried to mask his surprise when Matty hugged him right away, no teasing or grumbling, nothing. When they broke apart Jack grinned at her. “I knew you liked me. So, where’s everybody else?”

Before Matty could answer him the door opened again and Bozer burst through it. “Jack!” he exclaimed, practically tackling him to the ground in his haste to hug him. “I didn’t know you were coming back!”

“They just let me go today,” Jack said, hugging him back. “Debriefs were a bitch, but—” He cut off when he saw Desi and Russ fucking Taylor walked through the door. “What the hell is _he_ doing here?”

“Dalton, as charming as always I see,” Taylor drawled in that annoying British accent that made Jack want to punch him even more. “And to answer your question... I own this place.”

“You _what_?” Jack asked incredulously, turning to look at Matty once Bozer stepped away. “Please tell me he’s joking.”

“Not at all,” Desi said wryly, walking forward and opening her arms. “But he’s not _that_ much of a bastard, I promise.”

“Oh yeah?” Jack hugged her but didn’t take his eyes off Russ, not caring about how disbelieving he sounded. “Then he’s changed an awful lot since the last time I saw him.”

“I’ve been trying to change my ways,” Russ said, and he sounded... genuine, much to Jack’s surprise. “It’s been... complicated and quite messy, but I believe I’ve been doing better recently.”

“You could say that,” Matty said, glaring at him a little, and Jack couldn’t help but smile—he missed Matty being intimidating.

He looked around, expecting one more person to walk into the war room... but nothing like that happened. For a second Jack thought that maybe he was busy with work, but with the entire team here... it didn’t make any sense. “So,” he started slowly. “Where’s Mac?”

The mood in the room changed instantly, going chilly like somebody turned down the thermostat. “Jack...” Desi started, taking a step back but keeping her hands on his shoulders. “You should probably sit down.” She pushed him into a chair and sat on the coffee table, something hunted in her dark eyes. “Mac is... being kept in the Phoenix black site.”

Jack blinked at her and after a moment he laughed. “Good one, Dez,” he said, shaking his head and chuckling. “Y’all almost had me with those somber looks on your face. Seriously, where is he?” he asked, and when he glanced around... no one was smiling or laughing like he thought they would.

“Jack,” Matty said quietly, walking up closer to him. “This... isn’t a joke. And before you ask... he’s not undercover.” She swallowed and Jack was alarmed when he saw the look in her eyes. “He’s being kept there because he’s dangerous.”

Jack looked at each of them again and now he was sure this wasn’t a joke. “What are you talking about? This is _Mac_ , the only thing he’s dangerous with is a kitchen.”

“I wish that were true, but it’s simply not the case,” Russ said, rubbing a hand over his beard. He exchanged a look with Matty, and then everyone looked at Riley, who was staring at the floor. “He tried to kill Riley.”

Jack was pretty sure his heart stopped for a moment and he felt like he slipped into some kind of alternate universe because... this was impossible. “ _What_?” he asked, once again looking around at all of them. “No, this is—that’s not possible,” he said, and got to his feet, walking up to Riley. “Riles, look at me.” His chest tightened when she did and her eyes were full of tears. “Tell me what happened?”

“I... I went over to Mac’s house because nobody had seen him in a few days,” Riley started, her expression pained. “I brought a pizza, I thought maybe we could hang out. I found him out in the garage in your car, and first I thought he was dead.” She sniffled, rubbing her hands over her face to try and get it together. “When I shook his shoulder he woke up... but it was like I was looking at a different person.”

Jack absently wondered how the hell his car got into Mac’s garage since it’d always been so full of various stuff that no car would be able to fit in there. But that wasn’t what was important now and he pushed that thought away, focusing on Riley. “He... his eyes were so _cold_ and when he smirked at me... he wasn’t _Mac_ ,” she continued quietly after a moment. “He... he pushed me away and jumped out of the car... that’s when I noticed an IV in his left hand.”

“We know part of what’s going on,” Bozer said. “The IV was to administer a drug called dimethyltryptamine—DMT for short. Mac used it a while ago after he had a concussion and lost some memories that we needed for a mission. It lets you... wander into your own subconscious, basically.”

“I’ve been in contact with some experts on the topic, and habitual DMT use can result in everything from nausea to disassociation,” Matty told him, her expression grave. “We think Mac may be experiencing some kind of... psychological break.”

“So what, you’re sayin’ that because he used it once a while ago it fucked with him this badly?” Jack asked incredulously. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Actually...” Desi said quietly. “We think he’s been using it lately on his own. After... everything that happened we discovered some of the drug disappeared from the Phoenix lab. We... don’t know why he was doing this, but we suspect he used it at least a few times.”

Jack shook his head a little and started pacing, trying to wrap his mind around all this. “You... you didn’t tell me happened next,” he eventually said, looking at Riley. “You said that he... tried to kill you?”

“He did,” Riley whispered, taking in a shuddering breath. “He... he knocked me to the ground and tried to strangle me. He was saying something about a secret... I thought later that maybe he was talking about the DMT, but in the moment I had no idea what was happening. I got him off me and we fought for a while, and eventually I grabbed a tire iron and I... I hit him with it. It knocked him out and that was when I called Matty.”

“We brought him here to medical,” Matty said, her voice quiet and emotional. “But when he woke up he was still... not himself. We hoped that maybe once the drug was out of his system he would come back... but it didn’t happen. We had no choice but to lock him up.”

“He’s at the same black site as Murdoc and Helman,” Bozer said, looking devastated, and Jack frowned because he was pretty sure Helman was supposed to be dead. “Nothing seems to be helping him.”

“We were trying to get in touch with you, Jack,” Russ said, his tone gone serious, no trace of sarcasm or mirth to be found. “From what I’ve heard you and Mac have quite the bond, and I thought maybe you could snap him out of it.”

“Then take me to him,” Jack said, relieved to have a place to focus his emotions. “Let me try talkin’ to him. How long has he been there?”

“Almost a week,” Desi said. “He even makes Murdoc uncomfortable, which is saying something.”

“Good, wouldn’t want that reptile to get too cozy,” Jack muttered, mostly to distract himself because his thoughts were currently spinning.

“I’ll go with you,” Matty told him. “The rest of you, I believe you’ve got some paperwork to catch up on.” Everyone looked like they wanted to protest, but Matty glared at them. “We’re not all going there. End of discussion.” She gestured at Jack to follow her and they both walked out of the war room and headed down to the garage. “Are you sure you’re up for this?” Matty asked quietly. “He’s not your Mac.”

Jack’s heart twisted painfully when he heard Matty say “your Mac”, a lump forming in his throat because Mac had never really been his... not in the way Jack would like him to be, anyway. “I’ll be fine,” he told her, trying for a reassuring smile as they got into his rental car. “It’s not like I have much choice. Taylor _is_ the psy-ops guy, and if he thinks me talking to Mac might help, then I’ve gotta try. I can’t just sit around and do nothing.”

“Not to put too much pressure on you... but we think you may be the only one able to help him,” Matty said. “He... mumbles your name sometimes, when he’s asleep. That’s when he sounds the most like his normal self.”

Jack swallowed hard and took a deep breath, blinking a few times because tearing up while driving wasn’t a good idea. “I’ll do my best,” he whispered, keeping his eyes on the road. “How the hell did that happen, Matty? Why... why would he take that drug do many times?” He frowned. “And where the hell is James? You’d think he would be around... or is he at the black site?”

There was a long pause, and then Matty said, sadness in her voice, “Jack... James is dead.”

“ _What_?” Jack asked, tightening his hands on the wheel and glancing over at her, shock rippling through his body. “What happened?”

Haltingly Matty told Jack about Mason and Charlie, then James’s cancer two years ago, followed by what happened with Codex and how he sacrificed himself for Mac. “I would imagine that he tried to call you after that happened,” she added, staring out the window as LA zipped by along the highway. “Mac and Jim weren’t close by any stretch, but Mac told me that when they were trying to find Mason they had decided to start over.”

“He... he did,” Jack said slowly, rubbing his face with one hand. “I couldn’t answer, Matty, I... I was tempted to break the rules, but I decided against it.” He slammed the steering wheel with his fist. “Goddammit, I should’ve answered. I should’ve known.” He took a deep breath to calm himself. “How... how was he doing after that?”

Matty’s expression turned wry. “After that he pretended to betray the Phoenix so he could get in his Aunt Gwen’s good graces. Problem was he did such a good job that nobody but Riley believed he hadn’t gone rogue, and Taylor and I almost let them get obliterated by a Hellfire missile.” She rubbed her forehead. “It’s been a bad couple of years, Jack. And Mac pretends like everything’s fine and that he’s good, but we both know he’s not. I couldn’t get him to talk to me.”

“You let them get _what_?” Jack asked, trying to calm down and not let his anger show too much. “You know what, we’ll talk about that later.” He sighed. “For fuck’s sake, he’s been bottling shit up again. I thought I taught him not to do that.”

“He didn’t have anyone to talk to,” Matty said softly, regret clear in her voice. “He and Desi... were together for a while, twice, but it’s a long story. But they weren’t good at talking and... I think he was lonely.”

Jack’s throat closed up and he had to clear it to speak again, tears burning his eyes. “They... they dated?”

“Yeah, and it was a bad idea,” Matty replied grimly. “The first time was right after we got disbanded, and once their relationship blew up none of us really kept in touch. Then after Russ bought the Phoenix they got back together again... except after Mac ‘betrayed’ us—” here she used air quotes “—Desi didn’t trust him anymore. At least not outside of work and friendship.”

“What?” Jack asked incredulously, mostly to distract himself from his heartache.

“Yeah,” Matty murmured. “It was a mess. But it’s for the best that it ended, they... didn’t work in a relationship. Too explosive, both of them. They stayed friends though, this time at least.”

“Jesus Christ,” Jack muttered, shaking his head at how messed up this was.

~***~

They got off the highway and he drove them to the black site on autopilot, and soon they were through the security checkpoints and inside the belly of the beast. The first cell they came to was Murdoc’s, and to Jack’s surprise he was waiting for them beyond the plexiglass. “Matilda,” he said with one of those unsettling smiles. “And you brought your pit bull with you, what a delightful surprise.” He lowered his voice, cutting his eyes over to Mac’s cell, which was dark. “We should talk.”

“We’re not here to talk to you, Murdoc,” Matty said in a firm voice, glaring at the psycho. “So whatever bullshit you prepared for us, save it.”

“I see you’re as lovely as usual,” Murdoc muttered, but then something in his eyes shifted. “But I’m afraid I’m going to insist.” He glanced at the other cell again. “It’s about my... unusual neighbor.”

Jack looked at Murdoc for several seconds and then glanced at Matty. “What’s the code for his cell? I’ll talk to him.”

Matty made a noise of disapproval but whispered the code into his ear when he bent down. He punched it in to the keypad and forced a smile. “Go get a cup of coffee, I’ll be right back.”

She left with one last hard look at Murdoc, and Jack slipped inside his cell, leaning back against the door. “Okay, I’m here. This better be good.”

Murdoc tilted his head and slowly looked him up and down, and Jack could basically hear the gears in his head turning. “It’s been a while since I saw you last, Jacky boy,” he eventually said, looking... almost curious. “The last time the gang visited me was during... my little adventure with Helman, and you were already gone by then.” A creepy smile. “I was... surprised you’d leave our little genius.”

Jack forced himself to stay calm and not clench his hands in fists, not wanting to give anything away. “Is that what you really want to talk about, psycho?” he asked in a steady voice. “Because I was under the impression somethin’ else was goin’ on and I’m not in the mood for your games. Tick-tock, Murdoc.”

Murdoc waved off his ire like he was swatting a fly. “I personally have never understood why you’re so important to Angus, but the bottom line is you are... and I think you might be the only one who can help him.” His manic expression dimmed. “I could hardly believe it when they brought him in here, I thought it was some kind of trick at first. But then he opened his mouth and I understood.”

Jack ignored the bad feeling coiling in his stomach, or at least he tried to. “Understood _what_ exactly?”

“Why they brought him here,” Murdoc said, and then he looked away for a moment. “I don’t know what happened to him—no one wanted to tell me, it’s like no one trusts me here—but this is not Angus. At least not the one we knew before.” The expression on his face grew even more... troubled. “That right there? That is a monster.”

Jack frowned. “He’s not a monster, Murdoc. That’s you and me, in case you’re forgetting.”

“Oh no, that’s always on my mind,” Murdoc said loftily, watching him with those beady black eyes. “But if you don’t believe me, you will once you see him. The code for his cell is 5478, I watched one of the guards punch it in.” He sighed. “I hear him talking to himself sometimes, pacing around in there. Once he even banged on the plexiglass and begged to be let out. He sounded like himself then, but it could’ve been the bad one pretending.”

“Or the good one putting up a fight,” Jack murmured, making a mental note to tell Matty to change the code to Mac’s cell. “That’s what you wanted to talk about? I could’ve heard all of that from Matty.”

Murdoc watched him for a moment and then the corner of his lips twitched up. “Sometimes I forget you’re much smarter than you pretend to be,” he commented, tilting his head. “Some of the things he’s saying... I wouldn’t come up with that, and it’s not easy for me to admit. He’s twisted... and as attractive as it is, it’s also quite unsettling.”

Jack’s skin crawled at the mention of Murdoc finding Mac attractive in any capacity, but he was also unsettled by the rest of what he said. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, he was talking about what he should’ve done to the lovely Miss Davis when he had her alone in the garage,” Murdoc replied, and Jack felt himself blanch. “Yes, that was my reaction as well. Lots of pent-up aggression in there. He ran through the whole roster of Team Improv, how he’d beat or violate them in various ways... except for you. I found that interesting.”

Jack swallowed hard and tried to remind himself that this was not really Mac and that _Mac_ wouldn’t want to hurt any of the people he loved. “I haven’t seen him in two years, I probably fell to the bottom of the list of people Mac thinks about,” he said, mostly to convince Murdoc, but a part of him wonders if that was true. He took a deep breath and figures it was time to face the music. “Thanks for the chat, Murdoc... as weird as it was. But I gotta go.”

Murdoc nodded, wandering back up to the window after Jack slipped through the door and it locked again. “Anytime, Dalton. Just remember what I told you.”

Jack took a deep breath and turned away from Murdoc, only to find that in the time he’d been with him the lights in Mac’s cell had turned on. He didn’t know if that was Matty’s doing, though he suspected Mac had control over whether it was light or dark in the cell. He got closer and saw Mac lying on his bed, tossing something back and forth between his hands—a stuffed animal, probably from the days when Cassian would visit Murdoc. He wore an orange jumpsuit, just like Murdoc, and it made Jack feel even more unsettled. Seeing him like that, locked up in a cage like an animal... it didn’t sit right with Jack, and even despite everything he’d been told a part of him still couldn’t believe it.

“Hey, Mac,” Jack said, and the next time Mac caught the toy he didn’t toss it up again. “Been a while, bud.”

Mac sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed... and everything about the movement was _wrong_. “Hello, Jack,” he said, and even his voice was different, pitched lower and toneless. He smiled and it wasn’t a smile at all, flat and empty like those brilliant blue eyes. “Mac can’t come to the phone right now. I’m Angus.”

Jack raised his eyebrows in surprise and shoved his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. “That’s new,” he commented, stepping closer to the plexiglass. “You never liked being called that on a regular bases.”

“ _He_ doesn’t,” Mac—no, _Angus_ —replied archly. “I do.”

“Oh, so there’s two of you now?” Jack asked, somehow keeping his voice steady. It wasn’t easy, though, because this... this was creepy as fuck. “Interesting.”

Angus’s smile grew as he tossed the toy aside and stood up. His hair, Jack noted, had been slicked back from his face somehow—pomade, maybe? Would they let him have that in here? “You don’t think I’m _interesting_ ,” he said, sauntering closer, tilting his head like Jack was something to study. “You think I’m... unsettling.” He frowned, almost looking disappointed. “Just like the rest of them do.”

Jack thought about what to say next, knowing he needed to choose his words carefully. “Can you blame me?” he asked, deciding being honest was his best bet for now. “I’ve been gone for two years, man, and I came back to find... _you_ here instead of Mac. Haven’t exactly had time to process all that yet.” He forced himself to meet Angus’s gaze and not flinch. “But I’d like to get to know you.”

Angus hummed an acknowledgement, sweeping his gaze over Jack in a way that Mac had never done. “That was all true except the last part,” he said, and Jack cursed internally. “I mean, I can’t blame you for wanting your precious little Boy Scout back, but I don’t intend to let him out for a long while.” He cracked his neck, the snap of bone echoing through the cell. “It’s his own fault, anyway. If he wasn’t so desperate to talk to you, he wouldn’t have taken the DMT in the first place.” Jack went still and he couldn’t help the way his eyes widened in shock, Angus looking at him like one would at a guileless child. “Oh, you didn’t know,” he said, a slow smirk spreading on his face. “Right, how could you? He missed you _so much_... pathetic, really.” He snorted, watching Jack in amusement while he tried to get himself back together. “The first time he took the DMT you saved him from me... well, the version of you that lives in his head.”

“What the fuck are you talkin’ about?” Jack growled, his hands clenching into fists. “If this is some kinda mind game—”

“Relax,” Angus interjected, rolling his eyes. “I’m not interested in mind games... I prefer the real world now.” He leaned against the plexiglass wall and crossed his arms over his chest. “Let me see if I can explain this in a way you’ll understand... I came from his subconscious, right? Well, in his subconscious there are versions of everyone that’s significant in his life. Their presence is stronger or weaker depending on how much they mean to him... and yours was second only to mine.”

Jack took a deep breath and tried his best to understand... and in a way it made sense. What he was focused the most, however, was that apparently... even despite the way they said goodbye and Jack being gone, he was still important to Mac. He pushed that thought out of his head, because he needed to concentrate on _saving_ Mac. “Alright, let’s say it makes sense,” he said slowly. “You said he took the drug... because he wanted to talk to me? And I’m assuming it worked?”

“Like a charm,” Angus replied, mouth quirking in a smile. “He found you right away, at the Texas State Fair? Remember?” Of course Jack remembered, that was the first time he took Mac to meet his family... and when his mom asked if they were dating. “I didn’t interrupt you two crazy kids that time... but the second time, when he invited himself to your ranch? I intervened before things got...” His eyes swept over Jack’s body again in a way that he’d ever only imagined in his fantasies. “ _Sexual_.”

Jack frowned. “What?” he asked, his heart pounding wildly because... it couldn’t be. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Oh, Jack,” Angus said, his smile turning into a grin. “One of the few things Mac and I have in common is how... incredibly attractive we find you. Only for me it’s just lust, but it runs deeper for him.”

Despite the situation Jack’s stomach swooped pleasantly at the idea of Mac finding him attractive at all. He pushed that feeling aside, focusing on the problem at hand. “And what does that have to do with you winding up on the outside and Mac being stuck in there?”

“It’s pretty simple, actually,” Angus said, examining his fingernails like he was bored. “After he took enough DMT, Mac’s perception started to change. He wasn’t sleeping or eating and he didn’t know what was real anymore. All I had to do was convince him that the Jack inside his head was really you and really in trouble... and he ceded control like I was taking candy from a baby.”

Jack’s heart broke and his chest tightened with guilt. If he had just picked up the damn phone... maybe Mac wouldn’t have started taking that horrible drug. “But why?” he asked putting his hands flatly on the plexiglass and leaning in closer. “Why not let him be? You two are the same person, am I right? You’re a part of him. Why do you hate him?”

“Because he’s _weak_ ,” Angus practically spat, turning his body so he was pressed against the plexiglass too, their hands lined up perfectly. “Instead of helping Codex do the right thing for this planet, he took the coward’s way out. If someone doesn’t do something about—” He cut off, his whole body jerking like he’d been shocked, and for a second Mac—the _real_ Mac—surfaced. “Jack? Jack, you have to stay away,” he grated out, digging his fingernails into his palms until they bled. “He’s just trying to manipulate you—” He let out a pained yelp, curling toward the plexiglass.

“Mac, Mac,” Jack said, trying to catch Mac’s gaze. “I’m not goin’ anywhere, you hear me? Not again.” Mac lifted his head and it was still him, his blue eyes wide and... and scared. “You’re stronger than him, Mac,” Jack continued. “You’re the strongest person I’ve met, you can beat him.”

“Jack,” Mac whispered, putting his bloody palm against his through the barrier. “I’m so sorry, he’s—” He stopped speaking with a gasp and reeled backward, eyes rolling up in his head before he crumpled to the ground like a puppet that had its strings cut.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! You may have noticed that it's been a while between updates and I apologize for that. I talked about this at the beginning of the last chapter and more in depth on Tumblr, but the short version is that I'm having surgery on the 21st of this month. In theory my recovery won't be difficult, but between that, grad school, and Christmas coming up I've been overwhelmed. Unfortunately all of this means I'm not sure when I'll be posting the next chapter of this fic. :( That being said, I do have chapter four all ready for you to read, so I thought I'd get it up tonight. No new warnings apply to this one. Enjoy!

“Mac!” Jack exclaimed, and then made up his mind. He threw himself to the door and punched in the code Murdoc told him, and sure enough, the door opened. Despite needing to get to Mac, he took a moment to make sure the door was locked behind him—he wouldn’t let Angus take advantage of them—and then he rushed to Mac’s immobile body, framing his face with his hands. “Mac, buddy, wake up.”

Hazy blue eyes opened slowly, blinking up at him, and Jack could tell it was Angus, not Mac. “You... you came in here,” he whispered, sounding astonished. He raised one of his bloody hands and stared at it for a moment before tentatively settling it on Jack’s wrist. “I’m sure you’re just worried about the Boy Scout... but thank you. The last time I woke up in here I was choking on my own vomit.”

“That’s probably because they’re all afraid of you,” Jack said, taking his hands away after a moment and sitting down on the floor, leaning his back against the plexiglass. “A little birdie told me you’ve been... very vocal about wanting to hurt everyone on the team. Can’t imagine that would make them love you.”

Angus stayed on his back, but he turned his head enough to look at Jack. “I’m the parts of Mac he’s repressed,” he said quietly, sighing through his nose. “All his negative feelings toward his friends are part of who I am. And since they all abandoned him...” He shrugged. “Except Riley, but all she did was remind him of you.”

In a twisted way it made sense, but Jack wasn’t about to tell Angus that. He made sure his hands were out of his view as he clenched them in fists, remembering what Angus did to Riley, but he needed to focus—this wasn’t the time to get angry. “It kinda sounds like you care about Mac a little more than you’d like to admit,” he said, hoping he wasn’t about to make Angus go off at him. “He felt hurt by everyone... so as soon as you took over you threatened to make them pay. For him.”

Angus was silent for a moment, contemplating that. “We share everything,” he said, and was it Jack’s imagination or did his voice wobble a little? “Including emotions. And goddamn, this kid’s _way_ more emotional than he ever lets on.” He redirected his gaze to the ceiling, much like when Jack first arrived. “I was never supposed to exist... but I do. And I don’t know how to deal with that.”

Jack frowned a little because they were drifting toward a territory he wasn’t familiar with—science, freaky stuff, those were always Mac’s things. But he realized he wasn’t entirely hopeless... he was trained in advanced interrogation, in breaking people’s minds, so maybe he could use those skills to navigate through Mac’s mind and have Angus surrender.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Angus said suddenly, making Jack startle. He was watching Jack with narrowed eyes, suddenly suspicious. “And it won’t work. If you try to dose me with DMT so you can get inside my head, I’ll make damn sure that needle pierces an artery.” A thin smile. “I’m not going to give up, Jack. You know how stubborn I can be.” He looked back at the ceiling again. “Why couldn’t there at least be tiles to count?”

“Those cells aren’t designed to be enjoyable,” Jack pointed out before he smiled a little. “At least they gave you a stuffed animal to play with. You’re lucky. You’re also wrong.” He waited for Angus to look at him and he was glad to see a bit of surprise in those cold blue eyes. “I wasn’t thinking about dosing you with DMT. Why would I do that? All I would accomplish is send _you_ back inside... with no guarantee of bringing Mac back.”

“Turns out you’re smarter than you look,” Angus commented, and while the comment was snide, his tone was almost... teasing? He chuckled. “So let me guess, you think you’re going to use your special CIA training to mind-rape me? I hate to break it to you, but Taylor already tried that and it didn’t work out so well for him. He was white like a ghost when he left.”

Jack winced at Angus’s choice of words, but he pushed that aside because another opportunity presented itself to him. “This is absolutely the wrong thing to take out of this, but...” He trailed off before he grinned. “But is it bad that this makes me very happy?” Angus frowned, once again looking taken aback. “There aren’t many people I hate as much as Taylor. What did you do to him?”

“I turned his psy-ops crap against him,” Angus replied after a delay, like he was trying to figure out if Jack genuinely wanted to know—and he did. “It’s pretty easy when you’re as smart as I am and you don’t care if you hurt someone’s feelings. Turns out the reason he never had any friends—and why he tends to shoot missiles at them—is because his father was a pathological liar who got his family in all sorts of trouble. It’s why Taylor never tells anyone the truth, as backwards as that is. He’s just like daddy.”

Jack blinked in surprise and then whistled quietly. “Damn, that’s messed up,” he muttered. “Dude’s got issues, no doubt about that. We never got along... which is something you know.” He raised his eyebrow. “I mean, I told Mac, but I’m assuming you know everything he knows.”

Angus nodded. “I do, yeah. Which is both a gift and a curse considering what a huge nerd he is.” He studied Jack for a moment with those eyes, which were so like Mac’s but... icy, frosted over like a pane of glass. “You know, I always figured his perception of you was skewed because he was in love... but you really _are_ his dream guy, aren’t you?”

Jack was pretty sure his heart stopped beating and he wasn’t even trying to hide his shock from Angus. He did mention Mac finding Jack attractive and that it was... more for him than lust, but... Jack didn’t put two and two together. “I... I wouldn’t know,” he replied once he found his voice, but he knew Angus didn’t miss his reaction.

“He’s begging me to shut up, you know,” Angus drawled. “Mac. He’s inside, trying to stop me from revealing his big secret... but it’s too late for that now, isn’t it?”

“A little bit, yeah,” Jack said, staring at Angus and hoping Mac could hear what was coming next. “But the joke’s on you, because I love him too. Not like a friend, not like a brother—like _that_. And I’m not gonna stop until I get him back.”

Angus sat up on his elbows, legs splayed obscenely. “Oh really? And tell me, how exactly are you going to do that? We’ve been over the mind-rape thing and how it isn’t going to work.”

Jack looked at him for a moment. “He’s much stronger than you give him credit for,” he said quietly. “And he’s a fighter. I know he’s not going to give up.” Angus opened his mouth, but Jack raised his hand to stop him from talking. “I’m not done,” he said in a low, dangerous voice. “Didn’t he manage to get control for just a moment before I got inside your cell? He did. And all that confidence of yours may be fooling the others... but not me. You know he’s a threat to you.”

Angus stared at him for a moment... and then something in his face crumpled. “You have no idea what it’s like in there,” he whispered, drawing up his legs to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. “Mac talks a good game, but deep inside, in here?” He tapped the side of his head. “He’s miserable. Like the kind of miserable where he’s thought about grabbing one of your guns and blowing his brains out.” A rough laugh. “ _Our_ brains, I guess. But the point is the same. Can you really blame me for not wanting to go back in there?”

Jack barely stopped his hands from shaking when Angus mentioned the guns, but he managed. “No,” he replied quietly. “I imagine it sucks being... stuck there like that. But if this is really how Mac feels... then he needs help. He needs to talk to someone, to let it all out... he can’t do that while you’re trying to take over.”

“I _have_ taken over,” Angus snapped, anger flaring across his face. He stood and Jack did too, a reflex response. “And believe me, I’m going to find a way out of this rat trap.” He tapped his temple a second time, taking a step closer to Jack—and now there was no plexiglass between them. “Mac has the schematics of this whole place in his brain. Sooner or later I’ll figure something out, and you’ll never find me after that.”

Jack stood his ground, not stepping back and holding Angus’s gaze. “I will find you,” he said quietly. “If you somehow manage to escape, I will find you. You might be different, but... you’re still a part of Mac. And I know him better than anyone. Which means I know you too.” Angus’s eyes flashed with anger again, but Jack wasn’t intimidated by him. “Also... Murdoc mentioned you were babbling about hurting everyone... except me.” He forced himself to smirk. “You have a soft spot for me, Angus?”

Angus’s expression twisted and he moved faster than Jack expected, stepping into his space and grabbing him by his jacket. He pushed Jack up against the plexiglass, their faces only an inch or so apart. “Does it look like I have a soft spot for you?” he snarled. “You’d be a good fuck and that’s about it.”

Jack kept smirking because he finally managed to get under Angus’s skin... and even if he wasn’t sure how that helped, it was still progress. “You flatter me, Angus,” he said, not fighting back... at least for now. “And fine, maybe it’s not a soft spot exactly... but you wouldn’t hurt me. You don’t have it in you.”

“You don’t know that,” Angus retorted, but to Jack’s surprise, his eyes flicked down to his lips for a moment before they looked up again. “I could.”

“I don’t think so,” Jack murmured, and even though he knew he wasn’t talking to Mac right now, his hands still twitched with the desire to _touch_ , but he held himself back. “But if you’d like to prove me wrong... go ahead.”

Angus stared at him for a moment, his grip on Jack’s jacket tightening. “What kind of game are you playing?” he eventually asked, and their faces were so close that Jack could feel his breath on his lips. “Why aren’t you fighting back?”

“Why would I?” Jack answered with a question of his own, tilting his head a little. “You’re not a threat to me. No need for me to get myself sweaty by pushing you away... especially since you keep proving I’m right.”

Angus swallowed hard and pushed away from him, making an odd sound in the back of his throat. He stumbled back until he hit the edge of the bed and sat down hard, staring at him with wide, vivid eyes. “Stop fucking with me,” he choked out, sounding surprisingly vulnerable. “If that’s what you’re gonna do, then leave. Or I’m just gonna stop talking, and you’ll get awfully bored.”

Jack’s heart twisted painfully and he needed to remind himself that this wasn’t _Mac_ —it was a part of him, yes, but it wasn’t him, no matter what he looked like. He wondered how vulnerable Angus needed to be for Mac to take control and figured this was not enough, otherwise Mac would be here by now. “I think I am going to leave, I’ve been here long enough,” Jack said, even though leaving was the last thing he wanted. “And I’m not fucking with you, Angus, I was just... curious.”

“Well, take your curiosity somewhere else,” Angus said, venom in his words... and something almost sad flashed in his eyes before it was gone again. “I’d rather be alone.”

He laid down on the bed, but instead of staring up on the ceiling he turned on his side, away from Jack, and curled up in the fetal position. He didn’t say anything else, but as Jack headed for the door... he swore he hears him stifle a sob. It made him still and he felt... conflicted, not sure what to do. He knew there was a big chance Angus was faking, trying to manipulate him just like Mac said, but at the same time... whatever emotion Jack saw in his eyes, it seemed genuine. Still, it didn’t change the fact that Angus stood in the way of getting Mac back and while Jack would do anything to save him, he didn’t feel particularly great about himself right then.

Jack’s mind was made up for him when he spotted Matty on the other side of the plexiglass. She gestured for him to come out and he did, flinching when the door locked behind him. She led him into the vestibule outside the restricted area so they could talk in private. “So?” she asked. “What did you think?”

Jack sighed, rubbing his eyes with his hand and slumping against the wall, suddenly exhausted. “This is some freaky stuff, Matty,” he eventually said, taking a few deep breaths and trying to organize all of his thoughts. “I’ve seen lots of shit in my life, but this is next level. It’s clear that the drug Mac was taking made this... this repressed, angry part of him take over, but... it’s like he has a mind of his own. But unless he’s just faking, I think something may have cracked inside.”

Matty raised her eyebrows. “Cracked how?”

Reluctantly Jack described the conversation they had, and he ended it with, “When I left just now, it almost sounded like he was crying. And I know what you’re gonna say—”

“I think you’re right,” Matty interjected, surprising the hell out of Jack. “If you keep pressuring him you might get somewhere... but Jack, I’m wondering...” She trailed off, choosing her next words carefully. “I spoke with Taylor while you were in there, and he seems to think it’s possible that Mac may have developed some form of dissociative identity disorder from all this.”

“What?” Jack asked, frowning a little. “You mean like what, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? And that he’s going to switch between himself and Angus forever?” He shook his head. “No, Matty, I—” He took a deep breath when his voice cracked. “I refuse to believe it. Is all of this fucked up? Sure. Will Mac need therapy once he’s back? Most definitely. Will he go? Probably not. But...” He swallowed hard. “I believe in him, Matty. And I... I think what’s happening is a long-term side effect from that drug. Once he beats it... that’s gonna be it.”

Matty looked dubious, but she didn’t argue or try to discourage him. Instead, she asked, “Did you want to go home? Or do you want to set up shop here?” She gestured over her shoulder. “There’s a cot in the security room with the cameras... and you could bring him dinner.”

“That... might be a good idea,” Jack admitted, and he followed Matty into the security room. He got an overview of the whole black site from here, and the cot didn’t look half bad either. He sighed again, realizing that he wasn’t going to get any real rest any time soon... but it was okay, Mac was more important than that. “I’m... gonna need someone to bring me some things,” he said, glancing at Matty. “My bag from the mission is in my car, but—”

“I’ll have Riley pack a go bag for you and someone will bring it over,” Matty interjected, smiling when he tried to glare at her for interrupting him. “And, Jack...” she started, walking up closer to him. “I know that you love Mac, more than anyone in this world. Don’t let it cloud your judgement, okay?”

Jack nodded, and he gave her the keys to his rental car so she could head back to the Phoenix. She left a moment later and Jack sank down on the cot, rubbing a hand over his mouth as he stared at the monitors. Angus hadn’t moved since Jack left his cell, still curled up toward the wall, his knees pulled into his chest.

As Jack watched he shivered and yanked the thin blanket on the cot over himself. He felt like he slipped into a movie and while he wasn’t about to try and pretend that he understood how the scientific side of this mess worked... he knew a human mind was a mysterious thing. He never thought something like _this_ was possible, but it clearly was... and despite what fucking Taylor thought, he refused to believe Mac was that far gone.

~***~

Jack didn’t know how long he spent staring at the monitors, but he was startled to alertness by a knock on the security room door. “Agent Dalton?” one of the guards asked, a tray of food in his hands, and Jack stood to receive it. “This is for Agent MacGyver... and also for you. I was instructed by Director Webber to bring you two portions so you could eat with him.”

“That’s great, thanks,” Jack told him, smiling a little, and the guard nodded before leaving.

Jack glanced at the monitors again and saw that Angus was no longer curled up on his side but lying on his back, staring at the ceiling again. Swallowing hard, Jack took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders as he braced himself for another round. Once he felt like he was ready, he walked out of the room and headed back to the cells, wondering if Angus was even going to acknowledge him.

Jack slid the tray through the slot in the door and then punched in the code to unlock it. Then he slipped inside, allowing the door to lock behind him... and he took a calculated risk by shutting off the lights. There was enough ambient light to see by from the corridor, but it kept Murdoc from being able to watch them and probably jack off to the whole thing.

“Thanks,” Angus muttered, so low Jack almost didn’t hear it. “That creep won’t leave me alone.”

Jack snorted, unable to stop himself. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” he said, grabbing one plate and setting in near the bed before taking the other one and sitting down on the floor again. “Murdoc might be the creepiest person I’ve ever met—no, wait—I’m not even sure he’s actually a person, so. Bad word choice.” He made sure to keep his voice low, matching it to the general atmosphere in the semi dark cell. “He’s always been... fascinated by Mac.”

Angus was silent for a moment before he sat up, wrapping the blanket around himself and grabbing the plate of food. It was cool in the cell, Jack noted now that he wasn’t full of adrenaline, and he couldn’t imagine those orange jumpsuits are very warm, plus Mac always ran cold. “That pisses Mac off, in case you ever wondered,” Angus said around a mouthful of... whatever they were eating, Jack thought it might be meatloaf. “His skin crawls every time Murdoc so much as looks at him.”

“Yeah, I figured,” Jack muttered darkly, not for the first time wishing he had snapped Murdoc’s neck a long time ago. “I could see it in his eyes whenever we had to meet up with that psycho.”

Angus fell quiet again and Jack decided to let him be, and they ate in silence for a while. “You really do know him,” Angus suddenly said, his cold blue eyes focusing on Jack. “Mac. You seem to... know the little things. Things no one else would ever notice.”

Jack met his gaze. “Yeah, I do. I haven’t been around in a while, but even when things change they stay the same, you know?”

Angus nodded slowly, then swallowed hard and looked away. “You realize that his feelings for you are part of why I exist, right?” he asked, setting his empty plate aside and hanging his head, hair obscuring his face—it must need more pomade. “He’s been pushing stuff down since he was a kid, but you... he was terrified that if you found out how he felt about you, you’d leave.” A pained sound, almost like a wounded animal. “And then you left anyway.”

Jack stilled as he tried to figure out what was happening right now. He knew that what he was saying about Mac was true—his coping mechanisms had never been healthy and included bottling everything up. But right now, even though Angus _seemed_ genuine... what he said sounds a lot like guilt tripping and Mac’s words about manipulation echoed once again in Jack’s head. “I know,” he said quietly. “But I had no choice, I _had_ to go. And Mac understood that.” A deep breath. “I could’ve handled leaving better, though, I’ll give you that.”

Angus sighed, gaze flicking back to him as he nodded. “Yeah, and Mac could’ve handled the news about his old man being Oversight better. One of his biggest regrets is going to Nigeria without saying goodbye to any of you.” A little smile, this one not mocking as Angus drummed his fingers against his knee. “He’s a sentimental little bastard. Gets him in trouble.”

“So what you’re saying is that it’s better not to have any feelings at all?” Jack asked, tilting his head curiously. “Because I don’t agree. Feelings make you vulnerable, yes... but they can also make you stronger. They can drive you and make you keep going when you feel like can’t anymore. And caring about other people... it’s not a weakness.” He watched Angus for a moment. “And I think deep down you know I’m right.”

Something flashed in Angus’s eyes, and Jack was expecting contempt or scorn, but that wasn’t it. Before he could pin it down it was gone and Angus was talking again: “Then why does it feel so _awful_?” He sounded genuinely confused, looking at Jack curiously. “Why does Mac feel like he’s getting torn apart by these people all the time? If it’s so great for him to care about them... then why don’t _they_ seem to care about _him_?”

Jack took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “I don’t know,” he eventually said, and he was being a hundred percent honest right now. “They do care, I know they do... but a bunch of stuff apparently happened while I was gone. Misunderstandings and things that made all of them... grow apart. And I can tell it hurt Mac... more than he let on, I’m sure. Like you said, he pushes everything down.”

Angus went quiet for a moment. “They almost killed us,” he said shakily, and that was the first time he’d referred to himself and Mac as an ‘us’. “Us and Riley. That missile was close enough that we could see the nose cone.” He glanced away and back again. “He told Riley something, you know. Something he’s never told anyone else, about what goes through his head when he does something fucking idiotic.”

Jack tilted his head curiously. “What is it?” he asked, and while he knew Angus had no reason to tell him the truth... he could tell right now he was being honest.

“Whenever he does something stupid, he imagines it all going wrong,” Angus said after a moment, his voice growing... quiet and distant, like he was lost in memories. “He imagines himself dying. Every. Single. Time.” A weak smile. “Which is like, every other week.”

Jack wasn’t surprised by that, because Mac was nothing if not practical, and sometimes the things he managed to pull off seemed like they shouldn’t be possible. “Okay, so what’s the rest of it? There’s gotta be a punchline.”

“He wishes he wasn’t alone,” Angus told him, blinking rapidly. “He’s not afraid of dying, but he doesn’t want to die alone.”

Jack swallowed hard and blinked a few times to stop himself from tearing up. It was breaking his heart that Mac felt like that and he was glad that he always stuck by his side even when Mac was telling him to go and run, to save himself. It seemed like Angus was just as affected by all of that which was... odd. “What about you?” Jack asked quietly, clearing his throat when his voice came out a little hoarse. “Do you wish you weren’t alone?”

Angus didn’t say anything, but Jack saw him bite the inside of his cheek... and then he nodded, an almost imperceptible motion as his gaze dropped to the floor. He curled in on himself, pulling the blanket tighter. “All the time. Everybody in Mac’s head isn’t real, remember? Besides, they’re his friends, not mine.”

“But you’re a part of Mac,” Jack argued, keeping his voice soft and gentle. “You share everything... including friends. And I don’t think you can say the versions in his head aren’t real... you live in his head too, don’t you? You seem real to me.”

“It’s... hard to explain,” Angus hedged, making a frustrated sound and running a hand through his hair. “For a long time I wasn’t aware of any of this because I was just another piece of him. It wasn’t until he took the DMT that I became... sentient, I guess? And being trapped in there, _knowing_ that I was trapped... I couldn’t stand it.”

Jack nodded because he got that... but he knew he had to be careful about what he said next. “And is this any better?” he asked, gesturing around them. “You’re still trapped, Angus. And even if you get out of here—I can tell you’re thinking about it—eventually you’ll end up being trapped again.”

“So what do you think I should do?” Angus asked, and in the faint light from the corridor Jack saw tears shining in his eyes. “You want me to give up, don’t you? So that you get your Mac back and everything goes back to normal? And I’ll just... fade away? Or go crazy inside our head? I won’t do that.”

“I want you to... stop fighting,” Jack said, feeling like he was spitting bullshit left and right, but he didn’t know what else to do. “Stop being so damn angry at everyone and at _Mac_. If you started to... work with Mac and not against him, you wouldn’t fade away. You’d keep on living inside him, as a part of him. Because that’s what you are, Angus. You are a part of him, a very important one, no one’s denying that.”

Angus’s mouth curved up in amusement. “You have no idea what you’re talking about, do you?”

“Not in the slightest,” Jack admitted, eyes widening when Angus stood, dragging the blanket over as he crossed the cell and sat down next to Jack. “What are you doing?”

“Deciding you aren’t a threat,” was Angus’s response, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes. “Don’t make me regret it.”

Jack snorted. “How would I even do that?” he wondered out loud. “It’s not like I’m going to... I don’t know, attack you or beat you up.” He shrugged, even though Angus couldn’t see him. “And it’s not like I’m going to magically insert myself inside your head to talk to Mac. Let’s be honest, there’s nothing I can do to you.”

“You could get inside his head if you wanted to,” Angus murmured, so quietly Jack almost missed it. It didn’t sound like something he meant to say... in fact, it sounded like he was drifting off to sleep. “Find the right frequency...” Then he was gone, and Jack stared at him in disbelief for a moment. Frequency? What the hell was he talking about?

He blinked and watched him for a moment longer, but it seemed Angus really fell asleep right there, sitting on the floor and leaning against the plexiglass next to Jack. He decided he would have to chat with Riley—actually, no, he would have to talk to Taylor and maybe they could figure out what the hell Angus meant. He was about to get up and leave the cell, but before he could do that, Angus shifted... and he slumped against Jack’s side, his head on his shoulder.

Jack froze, looking down at his head of tousled blond hair, familiar and yet so different... but this wasn’t some fit of acting. He was really asleep, breaths coming in soft little bursts against Jack’s neck. He was afraid to move and disturb him, so Jack decided to wait it out, hoping Angus would move again and he could get the fuck out of there. Since he apparently had some time to kill now he let his thoughts wander.

After talking to Angus for the second time he had a better picture of his intentions... and unfortunately it seemed that no matter what Jack said, Angus wouldn’t agree to let go just like that. While his motives were clearer now and Jack really felt for him, he also needed to find a way to get Mac back... and hopefully sooner rather than later. Thankfully Angus shifted again, and Jack put his hands on his shoulders and eased him to the floor.

As an afterthought Jack slipped off his jacket and stuck it under his head as a pillow, smiling faintly when Angus curled into it, burying his face in the leather. Jack stood up and grabbed the empty meal tray, slipping out of the cell and making sure the door locked behind him before he went back into the security room.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Thank you for all the well-wishes on my surgery! <3 I'm mostly recovered and I've got a chapter ready to prove it! This one jumps around a little (you'll see what I mean) but I promise you'll get the MacDalton interactions you've been craving in the next one!

He sat down on the cot and took a deep breath, running his hands through his short hair. Talking to Angus required him being on the highest alert, so he was exhausted, but before he could try and get some rest he needed to make a call. He grabbed his phone and picked Matty’s number, and as always, she picked up almost right away. “Matty, is Taylor with you?” Jack asked before she could even say anything. “I need to talk to him.”

“Yeah, he’s here,” Matty replied, no stranger to getting right down to business. “I’ll put you on speaker.”

“Dalton,” Russ said when she did, sounding surprised. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I’ve been talking to Angus, and he let something slip,” Jack told him, and outlined their conversation. “What the hell does that mean?”

Russ hummed in thought, and Jack could picture him rubbing his beard. “I think he’s talking about electrical frequencies in the brain,” he said after a moment of silence. “There might be a way to create syncopation between your brain and his, if you were both under the influence of DMT and hooked up to some electrodes...”

“That doesn’t sound safe at all,” Matty commented, and Jack could basically hear her raising her eyebrow and giving Russ an incredulous look.

“It’s not... but if Dalton could find Mac in there, help him get back control...” Russ trailed off. “It could work. It could also kill you, Dalton.”

“That’s fine,” Jack instantly replied, and he probably should have been concerned by how quickly he said it. “There’s another problem. Earlier Angus thought I wanted to dose him with DMT and he said that if we tried it, he would make sure the needle pierced the wrong thing.”

“Not if we immobilized him,” Matty said grimly, and Jack could practically hear the gears turning in her head. “I’m guessing the black site doesn’t have the equipment you’d need?”

“Not hardly,” Russ replied, and from all the tapping and beeping he was clearly messing with a Phoenix computer. “We’d need to do it here, in the lab. So he’d need to be immobilized and sedated _before_ he came here.”

“He’s not going to be happy about it,” Jack muttered, and sighed. “And any progress that I might’ve made with him will be gone, just like that.”

“Jack’s right,” Matty said, and Jack smiled a little. “So we need to be sure this is worth the risk.” He heard her take a deep breath and exhale. “I need you to decide, Jack. It’s your call, you’ve gotten the closest to him, so... it’s up to you.”

“I’m afraid he might try to escape soon,” Jack admitted, exhaling harshly. “His biggest fear is being trapped, confined... and being in that cell isn’t helping anything.”

“If you thought you could keep in him in line, you could bring him to the Phoenix,” Russ suggested. “That would negate the need to break his trust until the very last moment... unless you can convince him this is the right thing to do before then.”

“I can try, but he already said he’s not going to give up,” Jack said. “He’s... he doesn’t want to fade away or go insane once he’s trapped again, so... I’m not sure convincing him is an option, but like I said, I can try.” A sigh. “And if we’re gonna transport him to the Phoenix while he’s awake... it’ll have to be super secure and we have to use something that Mac doesn’t know how it works. Because Angus will try to escape, I’m telling you.”

Everyone was quiet for a moment, and then Matty said, softly but with a lot of feeling, “Fuck.”

“Indeed,” Russ agreed, and Jack almost laughed. “I need to do some more research, double check that we have the right equipment... and put the Phoenix on lock down, get all nonessential personnel out of here, just in case. Hang tight and we’ll get back to you.”

“Aye aye, captain,” Jack replied wryly, and hung up.

He glanced at the monitors again... and cursed when he couldn’t see Angus anywhere. He ran out of the security room, hoping that maybe Angus just hid in the camera’s blind spot, but deep down he knew it was impossible—the cameras were placed in a way that there were no blind spots. When he got to the cell his heart dropped when he saw the door was open—how the _fuck_ did he get out?

Jack felt a presence behind him but didn’t turn around in time, and his gun was slipped from the holster in his waistband and pressed against the back of his neck.

“You picked up _almost_ all the dishes,” Angus chided, and Jack’s heart dropped into his boots. “But you missed one of those pesky plastic knives—I put it up my sleeve while you weren’t looking. Then I slipped it under the door to block the lock sensor the next time you opened it. The click you heard wasn’t the lock, but the door hitting the knife.”

Jack frowned, trying to remember when Angus could have done it... and cursed himself for being so damn stupid. “You weren’t really asleep,” he gritted out, swearing internally.

“I wasn’t,” Angus confirmed, and Jack heard him grin. “Thanks for the jacket, though, that was sweet.”

“I’d like that back, actually,” Jack said, glancing around in search for something to use as a weapon, but all he saw was Murdoc watching them curiously from his cell. “So, what now, Angus? Because we already established you won’t hurt me.”

“Funny thing about that,” Angus said, and then he was pistol-whipping Jack in the back of the head, the _crack_ of metal on bone echoing through the room. The hit dropped him to his knees, but didn’t knock him out, which was probably the point. “The more I thought about it, the more I realized that Mac won’t _kill_ you... but he’s got a _lot_ of pent-up resentment toward you. That allows me a little leeway.” He grabbed Jack by the back of his shirt and yanked him upright. “Do you have a vehicle, or did you give it to Matty?”

“How else would she get back to the city? Fly away on a broom?” Jack quipped, trying not to tense when he felt the barrel of the gun against his head now. “Of course I gave it to her. It’s not like I was plannin’ on going back anyway.” He chuckled. “I knew you’d try and pull something off, man. Didn’t expect it to happen so soon, but oh well.”

“Shut up and walk,” Angus growled, shoving him in the back.

They were about to pass by Murdoc, and Jack was shocked when he spoke up. “What, you’re just going to leave me here?” he asked, and Angus stopped walking, his hand tight enough in Jack’s shirt to make him stop too. “I could help, you know. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve escaped from this dungeon.”

Jack’s blood turned to ice because the idea of Murdoc and Angus teaming up was... terrifying. Not to mention that both of them would try to stab the other in the back—in Murdoc’s case literally. “Mac designed most of the security protocols here,” Angus said after a moment. “I don’t think I need you.”

“What about the guards?” Murdoc retorted, raising an eyebrow. “You may know the protocols, but you’re outgunned by at least six to one and you have a hostage to keep in check. You should toss his cell phone, by the way.”

Angus looked at Murdoc for a long moment, and then he prodded Jack with the gun and said, “Open Murdoc’s cell. And throw your cell phone down the hall.”

“You don’t wanna do this,” Jack warned, but he had a feeling it was all in vain. He did take his cell phone out of his pocket and tossed it away. “Here, my phone’s gone. But letting Murdoc out is the biggest mistake you could make.”

“Aw, Jack, you’re always so nice to me,” Murdoc drawled. “I missed that.”

“Angus, _please_ ,” Jack tried again. “Don’t.”

“He’s right,” Angus said, and his grip on Jack’s shirt was so tight that the collar was digging into his throat. “I might know the protocols but the guards are an entirely different problem. So unless _you’re_ going to help me escape, which I highly fucking doubt, Murdoc is my only option.” He paused. “So what did Taylor tell you about syncopating our brains? He probably said it could kill you... but it could just as easily kill Mac.”

Jack’s eyes widened and he cursed internally again because if Angus wasn’t really asleep... he didn’t mumble anything or let it slip, he said it on purpose. “He did mention it’s dangerous,” Jack said, deciding there was no point in trying to lie and say he didn’t talk to Russ. He swallowed hard because Mac getting hurt somehow didn’t cross his mind, but it made sense.

“Let me guess, you were up for it anyway,” Angus said, and snorted. “But he didn’t tell you about Mac being in danger, so now you’re not so sure.”

“As much as I love watching a good marital debate, the clock is ticking,” Murdoc said, cutting into their conversation. “The next patrol comes in about two minutes, so I’d make up your mind.”

Angus tensed behind Jack... and then the gun dropped away, clattering to the floor as he staggered backward, both hands clutching his head. “You have the _worst_ timing, you little—” he started, no doubt talking to Mac, and then he let out a howl of pain and fell to his knees.

Whatever Mac was doing seemed to be working, so Jack spun around and picked up the gun, putting it back in his holster. There was no point in threatening Angus with it because they both knew Jack wasn’t going to shoot him even if he lunged at him, not wanting to hurt Mac. Angus growled and made another pained sound, and when he looked up Jack knew it was Mac. “J-Jack, l-lock h-him up,” he whimpered, and Jack didn’t waste any time, grabbing him by the jumpsuit and dragging him back to the cell, making sure it was locked properly this time.

Once that was done Jack fell on his ass in front of the plexiglass, heart pounding double time. He watched as Mac writhed on the ground for a moment and knew his window to talk to him was closing. “Mac? Hey, listen to me!” he exclaimed, pounding the window to get his attention. “Do you want me to go inside your head to try and help you? It could kill us both, but it might be the only way to stop Angus.”

“N-No!” Mac shouted, crawling closer to the glass and sitting up a little. He looked in pain and he put both hands on the window, just like the last time. “Y-you c-could die, I c-can’t let you—”

“Mac, for fuck’s sake!” Jack yelled, because of course Mac was worried about Jack and not himself. “I’m okay with takin’ that risk. I need to know if _you_ are. I’d do anything to save you.”

Mac let out a sob when Jack mirrored the placement of his hands on the glass... but he nodded his head. “Do it,” he grated out, expression twisting up in agony. “I can’t b-beat him on my own, J-Jack. I keep trying, but- but it doesn’t work.” He took in a harsh breath. “You should knock me out n-now so he can’t come back. H-Hurry.”

Jack hated it, but he knew Mac was right. He jumped to his feet and punched in the code, taking out his gun as he stepped inside. Mac shifted closer to him, not looking afraid, only in pain. “I’m so sorry,” he said quietly, and when Mac nodded again he pistol-whipped him, hard enough that he slumped down on the floor, unconscious.

As soon as Jack was sure he was out he ran back into the hall and grabbed his phone, then headed into the security room. He saw some zip ties when he was in there earlier and grabbed those, then got back into the cell. He zip tied Mac’s wrists and ankles, then called Matty with shaking hands. “Matty, it’s me. We’ve gotta move up the timetable to get me in Mac’s head—please tell me Russ has the equipment.”

“He does, but why? What’s going on?” Matty asked, sounding worried.

“He—he escaped, took my gun and almost made me let Murdoc out,” Jack said, words tumbling out of his mouth in a rush. “Mac stopped him, he briefly took control and... and said we should go ahead with our plan. Told me to knock him out, so I did, but we don’t have much time.”

Matty swore longer and harder than Jack had ever heard. “Okay, I’m going to call down there after I hang up with you and get you a vehicle,” she said quickly. “It’ll be waiting right out front. Strap Mac to a gurney—they’re in medical, across the hall from the security room. You’ll be able to load him right into the van I get and he won’t be able to escape.”

“Alright, thanks,” Jack said, and then they hung up. He ran out of the cell, once again double checking if it was properly locked, and then raced to the medical. He found a gurney, just like Matty said, and quickly got back to the cell, his heart racing so fast he was worried it was going to jump out of his chest.

“And to think I almost got out,” Murdoc’s melancholic voice spoke up just as Jack picked Mac up and put him on the gurney. “So close and yet—”

“Shut the fuck up,” Jack growled, putting the straps on Mac, then checking if they were secure. “I’m not in the mood.”

“Rude,” Murdoc muttered, but at least he stopped talking.

Jack kicked open the cell door and rolled the gurney out, heading straight for the exit. Sure enough, once he got outside there was a van waiting for him, the kind that accommodated the gurney, and he slid it inside. Then he hopped in the driver’s seat, finds the engine already running and hit the gas, wanting to get to the Phoenix as soon as possible.

~***~

Jack made it to the Phoenix in record time, aware that he broke several traffic laws on his way there, but he didn’t care. Once he was in the garage he took the gurney out and miraculously Mac—or rather Angus—was still unconscious, but Jack knew it wasn’t going to last for much longer. He headed for the elevator, basically jogging next to the gurney, and he punched the button for the lab repeatedly even though he knew it wouldn’t make the elevator go any faster.

“You bastard,” Angus said when they were about halfway down, his voice muzzy from the blow to his head. He started to struggle against the straps on the gurney, but they were tight as hell, Jack checked. “I should’ve known you weren’t any better than the rest of them.”

Thankfully they arrived at the lab before Jack had to reply and he dragged the gurney out, wheeling it inside. Everybody was already waiting for them and Jack didn’t miss how everyone kept their distance, Riley especially. The only ones walking up closer were Matty and Russ, both of them clearly doing their best to keep their expressions as neutral as possible.

“You’re actually going through with this? Good luck,” Angus sneered. “I’ll do my best to kill you both.”

“Shut up, asshat,” Matty deadpanned, and it was only because Jack knew her so well that he saw the barest hint of fear in her eyes. “Jack, hop up on that bed and take off your shirt.”

He did as he was told, lying on his back and allowing Bozer to place some monitoring electrodes on his chest and a different kind on both his temples. “These are conductors,” Russ explained as he plastered the same ones to Angus’s temples, ignoring the way he snarled and tried to thrash. “They’re going to adjust the electrical signals in your brain to match Mac’s.”

“Cool, sounds awesome,” Jack said, definitely sounding way more confident than he actually felt. “Anything in particular I should be aware of once I... get there?”

Matty and Russ exchanged a look. “Hard to say,” Russ eventually said. “None of us has ever tried taking the DMT... I’m guessing the only person who could offer some insight is Mac. Or Angus over here, but somehow I think he’s not gonna be much help.”

“Fuck you,” was Angus’s response, short and sweet, so Jack guessed that Russ was correct.

“The machine that regulates the electrical signals connects the two of you physically,” Russ explained, setting up Angus’s IV while Bozer did Jack’s. “The DMT does it mentally. According to what I’ve read, whatever you see is going to look and feel real. Your goal is to get Mac to take over for Angus permanently, and it won’t be easy.” He looked Jack in the eye right before the DMT got injected. “Good luck.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Jack muttered, taking a deep breath and trying to focus on Mac. He didn’t know if it was going to help, but it didn’t hurt to try, and after a moment his eyes started feeling heavy... and the next time he blinked he wasn’t in the Phoenix lab anymore.

~***~

Actually, he wasn’t sure where he was and he looked around curiously because Russ was right—everything did look and feel real. Jack was surrounded by trees, tall old-growth ones that looked like they belong in California—and that was when it clicked. He was behind the house in Mission City, where Mac grew up, and he walked out of the woods and into the backyard. There was a swing set with a slide and a bunch of gardens... and a woman crouched down near some tomato plants, pulling weeds.

She looked up at Jack. “Hey, stranger,” she said, and when she smiled she looked just like Mac. When he didn’t say anything right away she frowned. “You’re not the Jack I’m used to seeing.”

“You’re Mac’s mom,” Jack breathed out, the realization dawning on him when the woman tilted her head just like Mac did.

“I am,” Ellen confirmed, standing up and dusting off her jeans. “And you being so surprised only makes it clearer that you’re not from around here.” She smiled. “Angus’s mind, I mean.”

Jack swallowed hard, but before he could say anything a little boy came flying out of the house. He was about five years old, which made sense because Ellen was alive in this pocket of Mac’s mind—and to Jack’s shock, he ran right up to him and hugged his leg tightly. “Jack!” he exclaimed, looking up at him through a mop of blond hair. “I missed you!”

“H-hey, buddy,” Jack stuttered out, unable to look away. It was... weird, seeing the man you were in love with as a five-year-old boy, but Jack tried not to think about it too much for now. Mac was a cute kid, looking so... happy, and Jack realized that this must be one of the last memories Mac had of his mom recreated in his subconscious. “How are you doin’, kid?”

“I’m good!” Mac said, blinking his blue eyes and holding up his arms. Jack had enough nieces and nephews to know what that means, and he reached down to pick him up. He made a soft sound of surprise when Mac wrapped his little arms around Jack’s neck and hugged him again. “You’re here, that always makes everything better—oh, and my dad’s getting ice cream!”

Ellen smiled indulgently, but there was something sad in her eyes, like she knew what was coming—and Jack realized that she did. “Angus, sweetie,” she started, coming closer to ruffle his hair. “Could I talk to Jack for a minute? It’s grown up stuff.”

“But grown up stuff is _boring_!” Mac whined, and Jack couldn’t help but smile.

Ellen did too and she took Mac from Jack’s arms and leaned into to kiss his nose, making Mac giggle. “I know, honey. But it’ll only take a minute.”

She set him on the ground and Mac hugged Jack’s legs again. “Okay. Bye, Jack!” And then he was off, running for the swings.

Ellen watched him for a moment, then put her hand on Jack’s arm and led him into the house. They could still see Mac through the kitchen window, and she leaned against the counter. “Do you have any idea what you’re doing, or are you just winging it?” she asked, raising her eyebrows. “Because nothing about you screams ‘confident’.”

“Well, excuse me, but this is all kind of new to me,” Jack said, sounding a little more harsh than he intended. “Never been to anyone’s mind before.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. “Sorry, I’m... just stressed. Bad things are happening... and I need to find Mac. The adult Mac, the one whose mind we’re all in.”

“That might be... difficult,” Ellen said, tucking her hair behind her ear as she glanced outside. “If you started here, you’re going to have to work your way through his memories until you find your Angus.” She smiled at him. “He loves you, you know. More than anything in the world.”

Jack swallowed hard. “So I’ve been told,” he whispered, glancing at the young Mac, playing happily on the swings, without any idea what kind of life awaited him. “I didn’t... I didn’t know, we never...” He shook his head. “I love him too. I’ve had for... a very long time.”

Ellen smiled at him and squeezed his arm. “I know. We all know.”

The front door of the house opened and Jack tensed, reaching for his gun even though it wouldn’t do him any good. It was only James, a younger one, and he didn’t look at all surprised to see Jack. “Hey,” he said, holding up a plastic shopping bag. “Want some ice cream?”

“Afraid I’d puke it up,” Jack admitted, then refocused on Ellen. “Any idea where I should start? Maybe the high school?”

“That’s not a bad idea,” Ellen mused, smiling when James walked up closer to kiss her cheek. “You could take the bus... but it’ll work better if you focus really hard on it. You should get transported there right away.” Her smile faded away. “High school wasn’t... the greatest time for Angus. Things might get dark, so... be careful.”

“I will,” Jack promised, and he was shocked once again when Ellen hugged him. She smelled like sunshine, just like Mac, and Jack couldn’t help but hug her back tightly. “Thank you.”

“No, thank _you_ ,” James said, clapping him on the shoulder. “If anybody can help Angus fix this mess, it’s you.”

Jack drummed up a smile and he stepped back, shutting his eyes. He thought of Mac and Mission City High School as hard as he could... and when he opened his eyes again, he was standing in a hallway lined with lockers.

~***~

It was mostly quiet around him which meant the bell hadn’t rung yet. Slowly, Jack started walking down the hallway, looking around curiously. He was briefly reminded of his own high school days and he smiled a little—it was a long time ago, but his memories were mostly good. He was a popular kid, a football player, and it was pretty much a party all the time for him.

Jack turned a corner and ran right into a harried-looking young man. “Bozer?” he asked, catching him by the shoulders. “Where’s Mac?”

Bozer made a face at him, and beyond the fact that he had acne and an afro, he looked basically the same as he did now. “If I knew I wouldn’t be out here without a hall pass looking for him,” he replied, frowning. “You’re not the Jack I’m used to seeing.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that before,” Jack said, briefly wondering how much different the version of him living in Mac’s head must be since everyone could tell right away. “I’m... you know what, it’s a long story. And since you live in Mac’s head, you probably know what’s going on.”

Bozer squinted at him and nodded. “Yeah, I do. It’s a huge mess, man. But I’ve gotta find Mac now.”

“Where do you think—” Jack started, but he was interrupted by a loud banging noise coming from the next hallway. He and Bozer exchanged a look before they headed in that direction. One of the locker doors was shaking, and when Jack threw it open he wound up catching a fifteen-year-old Mac in his arms, barely keeping them both from hitting the ground. “Whoa!”

Mac panted heavily and he leaned against the Jack as he tried to stand on his own. He pushed the hair out of his eyes and frowned when he looked at Jack, but before he could say anything, Bozer grabbed his shoulder. “Damn, man,” he said, wincing a little. “The football team again?”

Mac nodded, but then his gaze turned to Jack again. “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for you,” Jack replied, still holding on to him because he didn’t look stable. “Well, an older you, but this is progress. Last time you were five.”

Mac laughed and Jack noted that his mouth was full of metal, braces on his top and bottom teeth. “Okay, let’s find somewhere we can talk before the bell rings,” he said, grabbing Jack’s arm much like his mother did. “I’ll see you later, Boze.”

Bozer gave them a wave before he walked away and then... vanished, but Jack assumed that was normal because Mac didn’t even blink. He led Jack outside and after a moment Jack realized they were heading for the bleachers. “Does that happen a lot?” he asked, unable to stop himself. “You ending up in those lockers?”

“Yep,” Mac replied, calm as anything. He let go of Jack’s arm and pulled a hair tie off his wrist, tugging his hair into a ponytail. “I’m pretty much used to it by now, and I’ll be graduating next year—but you already know that.” They wound up under the bleachers, obscured by the metal seats, and Mac leaned against a support pole. “So the only place you’ve been is when I was five?”

“Yeah,” Jack said with a nod. “Didn’t realize I’d have to go through your entire life when I decided to take this trip, but...” he trailed off, and shrugged. “I’m tryin’ to roll with it. But I could use some help where to go next, hoss.”

“Well, in order to find me—the one that you know—you have to go through various memories,” Mac said, and that was pretty much what Ellen told him. “You could try MIT next... or maybe you should jump straight to the Sandbox.”

Jack sucked in a breath when he heard that, because he wasn’t looking forward to revisiting Afghanistan. “Okay,” he murmured... and then tugged Mac into a hug. “You already know this, but it gets better.”

“Yeah, the day I meet you,” Mac mumbled into his shoulder, hugging him back with string bean arms. “Now get out of here before I decide to keep you in a locker for myself.”

Jack chuckled weakly and then he pulled back. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and focused on the army, the sand and the desert... and even before he opened his eyes he heard the familiar sounds of the base.

~***~

He was immediately hit with an unbelievable heat and the sunshine that was almost blinding, and he had to squint when he opened his eyes, not used to the temperature anymore. Jack wasn’t dressed for the weather and started sweating immediately, so he took off his leather jacket and carried it. He startled the first time he saw someone in a uniform, because they didn’t have a face—and while he realized it was because Mac’s mind couldn’t supply detail about someone he didn’t know, it was still creepy. He navigated toward the barracks, hoping he’d find Mac there... but instead he ran right into himself.

The other him was wearing a pair of uniform pants and a gray t-shirt, so it was clear that this version of him belonged in this memory. “Whoa. That’s not spooky at all,” the other Jack drawled, looking him up and down, but he didn’t seem surprised to see him. “That hasn’t happened before. And man, you’re not dressed for this, you should’ve known better.”

“Fuck you,” Jack retorted, which he was aware was a pointless insult, but he was a little pressed for time. “Where’s Mac? Have you seen him?”

“I’ve seen _my_ Carl’s Jr,” was desert Jack’s response, crossing his arms over his chest. “But not yours... although you’re getting closer. Can you feel it?” He glanced up at the sky, which was steadily growing darker. “ _He’s_ getting closer too.”

Jack didn’t need to ask to know the other him meant Angus, and he also knew he needed to hurry. “Any idea where to go next?” he asked, eager to get out of Afghanistan, but mostly to find his Mac already.

“You’ve been through it all. His past, I mean,” Desert Jack said. “Just... close your eyes and think of a recent fond memory with him. The first thing that pops into your head should be where he is.”

Jack shut his eyes and the sounded of the base faded away. He floated for a moment, suspended in nothingness... and then the glide and thud of a solitary skee ball reached his ears.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Bet you didn't expect an update this soon, huh? ;) We're getting close to the end - just one more chapter left - but fear not! Angus will be back for a sequel, and I've got plenty more fics to post! Enjoy!

He opened his eyes and found himself in a darkened version of his favorite pizza place, the neon lights from the games the only thing to see, at least at first. Mac stood alone at the skee ball game, and he turned a little when he heard Jack’s breathing, looking just like he did the day Jack left to hunt Kovacs. “Hey,” he said softly, smiling a little. “You found me.”

“Of course I did,” Jack said, taking a step closer, and when Mac didn’t vanish he closed the distance between them. “Took me a minute, but I’m here. Remember when you got kidnapped during one of our first DXS missions?” Mac looked surprised Jack’s bringing it up, but he nodded. “What did I tell you when I opened the trunk of that car you were in?”

The look on Mac’s face softened and he smiled again. “You said you’d always find me. No matter what.”

“And here I am,” Jack said, and now that he knew he was allowed to do it, he reached up with both hands and framed Mac’s face. The skee ball he held clatters to the ground but Jack didn’t pay it any attention. “Because you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, the person I love more than anything, and I should’ve made that crystal clear a long time ago. I’m so sorry I didn’t, Mac.”

“It’s not your fault,” Mac said quietly, wrapping his fingers around Jack’s wrists. “I... could’ve said something as well. And then after Nigeria—”

“Hey, no,” Jack interjected gently. “How about we discuss all that later, hmm?” he suggested, glancing around, but it seemed they were all good for now. “There’s something else we need to do first.” A smile. “Thanks for your help back at the black site, by the way. You saved my ass.”

Mac smiled back, wider and less tentative this time, dimples flashing. “It seemed like the least I could do... you were working so hard to help me,” he said, expression falling again. “And I’m not sure I deserve your help, since I got myself into this mess.”

Jack leaned in until their foreheads touch and dared to close his eyes for a moment, shuddering when Mac’s hands let go of his wrists so his arms could slide around him. “You deserve everything,” he whispered, practically speaking the words against Mac’s lips. “I wanna give you everything... but we’ve gotta get you back in control.”

He felt Mac exhale shakily and they pulled back a moment later, although Mac’s arms were still around Jack. “Yeah, I just... I don’t know how to do it,” he whispered, his lower lip trembling, and when he looked up at Jack his eyes were wide. “I’m scared, Jack.”

“I know you are,” Jack murmured, putting his hands on Mac’s hips and squeezing lightly. “But I’m here and I’m goin’ to help. How about we start simple? You did take over twice when I was with him, just for a moment, but you did it. How?”

Mac blinked at him, then sighed. “When Angus first took over he sent me all the way back to my childhood—at the house in Mission City with my mom. I had to fight through just about every memory I had to get this far... and then I heard your voice. The _real_ you, not the one that lives in here... and I managed to get the door to this place open.” He nodded toward the entrance, which Jack noticed was barricaded with chains and locks. “Except instead of being on a street in LA, when I got outside I was back in the real world, at least for a couple minutes. The second time was a lot harder than the first, though.”

“Okay, so that’s the way out,” Jack said, looking between the door and Mac. “How did he take over again?”

“Every time I managed to get out, I felt this... painful pull the entire time I was in control,” Mac said quietly. “I could hear him scream in my head, almost... clawing at me from the inside, and every time he managed to take over again, and I would wake up here.”

Jack took a moment to digest that, trying to ignore the way the shadows outside seemed to be growing infinitely darker, and how the neon lights on the games were flickering. “Mac, I think the reason you can’t stay in control is because you refuse to acknowledge him,” he said, moving a hand up to brush the hair out of Mac’s face. “He exists because he represents all the stuff you’ve pushed down and bottled up, right? And the schism between you and him was made the first time you took DMT?”

Mac looked at him and after a moment he nodded. “Yeah, I... met him when I was searching for Tesla and answers,” he said quietly. “He... tried to convince me Codex was right, I didn’t agree... we didn’t part on the best terms.”

“He told me that he’s always existed inside you, but he became... aware after your first trip into your subconscious. He’s... Mac, I don’t think he’s evil.” Mac looked at him incredulously, but Jack raised his hand to stop him from talking when he opened his mouth. “He doesn’t want to be trapped. But in order to make him... stop being so damn independent you need to... accept him, I guess? Accept that he’s a part of you.”

“But how do I _do_ that?” Mac asked, a note of desperation in his voice. The floor beneath their feet started to tremble ominously, and when Jack looked away from Mac’s face he saw a dark figure standing by the tables. “I don’t want him to be trapped either, that doesn’t seem fair, but he... he thinks about doing terrible things—”

“They’re called intrusive thoughts, dumbass,” Angus said dryly, stepping into the glow of the games. He looked... haggard, pale and drawn. “Just because you think them or even say them doesn’t mean you’ll act on them.”

Mac sucked in a sharp breath, spinning around to look at Angus. Jack resisted then urge to move between them, to shield Mac with his body, and instead stayed right behind, reaching out to hold his hand. “But you... think about it all the time,” Mac said quietly. “And you _did_ act on them.” A pause. “You... you tried to kill Riley. You almost did.”

Angus made a face. “And what was Riley about to do? She would’ve told _everyone_ what we were doing, and you would’ve been mortified. I was trying to keep you from getting hurt.” He sighed, and something in his expression fell. “But I fucked up... just like we always fuck up everything else. No wonder everybody leaves us.”

Mac’s breath hitched and the ground underneath them trembled again, and Jack realized that this... that part about fucking up, that was how Mac actually felt. “Now hang on a second,” Jack said, stepping around. “You can’t—I mean, both of you—oh fuck, this is freaky,” he muttered, rubbing his eyes before glancing between Angus and Mac, deciding to address Mac. “It’s not your fault people leave. It’s theirs. You’re not to blame here.”

Angus snorted. “Oh really? Let’s think about this: why did Mommy die? Because she came up with Codex, which was meant to give us a better life. Why Daddy leave all those years ago? Because he thought he was protecting us. Why did Peña die? Because he was protecting our dumb ass. I could go on, but I would presume that you’re starting to see my point.”

Mac took a stumbling step back, his hands shaking. “He’s right,” he whispered. “I’m... if it wasn’t for me, Peña would still be alive. And my dad, he—” He swallowed hard. “He sacrificed myself for _me_ , I’m... this is all my fault.”

“No,” Jack said, glaring at Angus when he started laughing. “ _No_. Peña died because of the bomb the Ghost planted. And because the robot broke down, it wasn’t your fault. And your dad... Mac, Codex kidnapped you. And then he made _his_ choice. It wasn’t your fault, you didn’t make him do this.”

“Maybe not, but we _are_ a factor in an awful lot of these scenarios,” Angus pointed out, crossing his arms over his chest like a defensive child. “And what about Nikki? We couldn’t see through her until it was way too late and then she was gone, and the same thing with Patty.” He looked at Jack and the hurt on his face was enough to leave Jack breathless. “And then _you_ left. We could’ve handled anything else, but a life without you? Well, that just wasn’t worth living... right, Mac?”

Jack looked at Mac and his heart clenched when he saw his eyes are full of tears. “He had to go,” Mac whispered, but it sounded like he was trying to convince himself... which he kind of was since Angus was a part of him. “He didn’t have a choice, he needed to finish what he started.”

“True, true,” Angus agreed with a nod. “But he could’ve brought us with him. And instead he left us... like he never really cared.”

“You shut your mouth,” Jack growled, getting up in Angus’s face without thinking about it. The floor rumbled and everything shook ominously but Jack hardly noticed, too busy fisting his hands in Angus’s shirt. “I _love_ you, you idiot! I love you more than anyone else in this damn world except for Riles, and that’s a different thing entirely. I left you behind because I couldn’t stand the idea of Kovacs gettin’ anywhere near you—as soon as he figured out you were important to me, and he would have, you woulda gotten skinned alive.”

Angus’s eyes widened in shock, probably because Jack’s addressing _him_ and not Mac... but that was the thing, wasn’t it? They were one person and if Jack loved Mac then he loved Angus too and maybe this was the way to make Angus see that his place was back inside Mac’s head. “You... you don’t mean that,” Angus said, his voice full of venom. “You love him, the perfect genius, our pretty little Boy Scout. You want nothing to do with me.”

“That’s not true,” Jack said, trying desperately to soften his tone. He felt Mac’s eyes on his back but forced himself to ignore it. “I love _all_ of Mac, the good parts and the bad, and I’m not delusional enough to think he’s an angel. I’ve watched him be vicious and take lives, just in a different way from how I do it.” He stared into Angus’s eyes, willing him to understand. “I love you too, Angus. There’s no way I couldn’t.” And then Jack took a calculated risk... and leaned into to press their lips together.

Angus inhaled sharply in surprise and Jack also heard Mac make a shocked sound, but he ignored it. A moment later he felt Angus... melt against him and then he kissed him back, his lips slowly moving against his. The floor stopped rumbling and the lights didn’t flicker anymore—in fact, everything grew silent and... brighter somehow.

~***~

The last thing Jack was aware of was that white light and Angus’s lips on his before he woke up in the real world with a startled shout, sitting up in the bed and dislodging some of the electrodes. He ignored Riley and Russ’s hands on him and their attempts to calm him down and flung himself over to Mac’s side. “Come on, baby, wake up,” he murmured, touching his cheek with his fingers before he leaned down to kiss his slack lips. “C’mon.”

“Oh wow,” he heard Desi’s surprised voice. “That’s... new.”

He ignored her, though, ignored everyone else, because all that matters was Mac. “Come on,” he whispered, brushing his fingers through his hair. After a few seconds that felt like hours Mac groaned softly and stirred, and then he slowly blinked his eyes open. He seemed disoriented and Jack held his breath because right now he couldn’t tell if it was Mac or Angus. “... Mac?”

“Jack?” Mac sounded groggy but it was _him_ and Jack’s knees buckled with relief. He almost fell down but Bozer grabbed him under the arms and kept him upright. “Is this real? Am I... am I back?”

“Yeah, you are,” Jack whispered, undoing the straps on the gurney with shaking hands and hugging Mac tightly when he sat up. “I’m so glad you’re okay, darlin’.” He felt Mac slump down in his arms, his face buried in Jack’s neck, so he just held him for a moment. He glanced around and saw relieved expressions on everyone’s faces, even a few smiles.

“I can’t believe that worked,” Matty said softly, a note of wonder in her voice.

Mac seemed to tense when he heard her and then he made a soft sound that Jack identified a moment later as a sob. “Oh god,” Mac choked out. “I’m... so s-sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t—”

“Hey, hey, Mac, it’s okay,” Riley said, putting her hand on his shoulder, and that only made Mac cry harder. “It wasn’t you, it—”

“But it _was_ ,” Mac almost wailed, his voice high and broken in Jack’s ear. “I hurt you, I could’ve killed you! And I was so _angry_ , I just... I couldn’t control him.”

“Give us a minute?” Jack asked, cradling Mac to his chest when his breathing got quicker. When no one moved Jack looked up and gave Matty a pointed look. “Please.”

“Alright, people, move it,” Matty immediately ordered, and started herding everyone out of the lab. “Come on, to the war room you go, _now_.”

Jack waited until they all left before he shifted Mac and sat down next to him on the gurney. “It’s okay, Mac,” he whispered. “It’s going to be okay.”

Mac held him tight enough to hurt, his face buried in Jack’s throat as he continued to cry. They were big, heaving sobs that sounded painful, and Jack just rubbed his back and shushed him gently, occasionally whispering affectionate nonsense in his ear. Eventually the crying slowed and stopped, reduced to the occasional sniffle, and Mac pulled back to look at him. “I’m so sorry, Jack,” he whispered hoarsely. “This is all my fault. If I had never been stupid enough to take the DMT in the first place...”

“Mac, you had to stop Codex,” Jack said softly. “You needed answers—”

“That’s not what I meant,” Mac interjected quietly, his voice pained. “I meant... taking it by myself. Stealing it from the lab and using it at home.”

Jack was quiet for a moment, but he kept his arms around Mac, not wanting him to do something stupid like run. “When I was talking to... to Angus he told me that... you took it so that you could... see me? Is that true?”

Mac hesitated for a moment, then nods. “I... I was so lonely,” he whispered, and Jack’s heart broke. “Desi and I broke up, Riley moved out—she was living with me for a while, long story—and I wanted to talk to you more than anything... but you never answered my calls or texts. I figured either you were on some kind of comms blackout or... or you’d forgotten about me. And the idea of that hurt so much I couldn’t stand it.”

“I could never forget about you,” Jack whispered, his voice cracking. “We _were_ radio silent, I couldn’t... I saw your calls. And I... I had a feeling something was wrong, I should’ve picked up. I’m so sorry.”

“No, no, this is not your fault,” Mac instantly said, shaking his head. “This was... my issue. Abandonment issue,” he snorted. “Anyway, it... it worked. I saw you, I talked to you...” His cheeks flushed pink. “I kissed you.”

Jack brought a hand up to cup Mac’s cheek, thumb sweeping over warm skin. “You can kiss me whenever you want, you know,” he said softly, leaning in to brush his lips against the corner of Mac’s mouth. “What happened next?”

“After the first time... I couldn’t wait to take the DMT again,” Mac admitted, his fingers digging into Jack’s ribs. “But we caught a mission and it didn’t happen for a while. And the second time... that’s when _he_ showed up. He... he told me he didn’t like me coming back all the time. We started... arguing and he... suggested that if I wanted to visit the inside maybe he should... come visit the outside. Anyway, he... warned me that the drug was making me weak... and then he was gone.” He swallowed. “That’s when you showed up again—he made you disappear earlier—and told me I could never come back.”

“But you did,” Jack whispered. “Why?”

Mac fell silent again for several beats, and when he spoke it was only after he sucked in a trembling breath. “Because I couldn’t get over how _good_ I felt when I saw you,” he said, a weak little smile making his lips turn up. “Everything was like it used to be, you know? It felt... _right_. And I knew it wasn’t real, but in the moment I just didn’t care. The problem with that was DMT makes you not care about a whole lot of things, like sleeping or eating.”

“Angus mentioned that,” Jack murmured. “That you weren’t eating or sleeping, and... eventually you couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t.”

“Yeah, pretty much,” Mac whispered, and sighed. “I... I used it so much that I... I started seeing things. I felt like someone was in the house, like someone was watching me... I could hear laughter in my head. And then...” he trailed off and took a deep breath. “One day I... I thought he was going to hurt you.”

“He told me about that too,” Jack said, brushing his fingers through Mac’s hair again. “That was how he got control?” When Mac nodded sadly, Jack pulled him in for another hug, nuzzling behind his ear. “The important thing is that you’re back, Mac. You were strong enough to fight him and you won.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” Mac told him, his voice slightly muffled by Jack’s shoulder. “I kept trying, but... but you really know me better than I know myself.”

Jack couldn’t help but smile, but then it faded away. “Mac, I’m... I think there’s some stuff I need to apologize for,” he said quietly, shushing Mac when he tried to protest. “Please, let me finish. Angus said you... you were hurt by me leaving. And that there was some... resentment toward me, and I’m not blaming you. You had every right to be hurt.” He exhaled shakily. “I’m so sorry. Not just for leaving, but... for how I acted before that.”

“I... thank you, Jack,” Mac said, pulling back to look at him. He brought his hands up to frame Jack’s face, fingertips exploring his stubble. “I forgive you, that should go without saying... but I was acting like an ass before you left too. I never should’ve gone to Nigeria without telling you, that was a dick move and I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jack murmured. “You were coping and... well, we both know your coping mechanisms aren’t exactly healthy. I should’ve followed you, but... what’s important is that we can move on now? No more secrets.”

“No more secrets,” Mac repeated, and then smiled weakly. “You know, whenever I imagined telling you I loved you... I never thought you would find out from my evil alter ego or whatever the hell he is.”

Jack snorted out a laugh, turning his head to kiss one of Mac’s palms. “Believe me, I never imagined that either.” His expression grew serious again. “Now, we’ve gotta talk about a couple other things. One, I think you need to start seeing a therapist—it doesn’t have to be somebody at the Phoenix, there’s plenty of other government therapists available, but you need to talk to somebody who doesn’t have a horse in the race. The other thing is, you and Riley need to have a chat about what happened, because I know that girl and she’s already forgiven you... but you need to forgive yourself, and you won’t do that until you hear it from her.”

Mac made a face when Jack mentioned therapy which wasn’t surprising at all. “I... I guess I should talk to someone,” he said quietly, and then he swallowed. “And about Riley... how am I supposed to face her after what happened? I could’ve killed her. I almost did.”

“Mac, it wasn’t you,” Jack murmured. “You’d never hurt her and she knows that.”

Mac looked at him for a moment before he nodded. “Okay, I’ll... I’ll try. But don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want to be alone with me.” His eyes were huge and luminous, and this close Jack could see every shade of blue inside them. “Jack... could you... would you kiss me?”

Jack swallowed hard and touched Mac’s cheek again. “Yeah, of course,” he whispered, and Mac’s fingers wrapped around his wrist.

Slowly, he leaned in and he was pretty sure his heart stopped when their lips meet, softly touching before parting and pressing together again. It felt... different than the kiss with Angus—probably because this one was _real_ and not happening inside their heads—and it was... perfect. It went on for what felt an hour but in reality was probably only a minute, and then breathing became an issue. He pulled back to look at Mac... and then they leaned in at the same time, kissing harder this time.

Jack groaned when Mac’s tongue licked over his bottom lip and then it was in his mouth, exploring his teeth and sliding against his own. He hauled Mac as close as he can, desperate to keep him that way and never let him go. Mac moaned softly and it might be the prettiest sound Jack had ever heard. The kiss grew more urgent and hungrier soon enough, both of them grasping at each other, and they should probably slow down... but they didn’t.

“Sweet lord, get a room, you two!” A voice made them both jump and break apart, and Jack had never hated the British accent more than he did now. When he turned to glare at the lab door he found Russ standing there, grinning widely.

“We had a room until you showed up,” Mac muttered, making Jack bark out a laugh. He turned in Jack’s grasp so he could face Russ, frowning. “Russ, what I said about your dad...”

“Water under the bridge, mate,” Russ said, waving him off with a smile. “But I can’t deny you rattled my cage. You’re both wanted in the war room—I’m presuming Matty would like to give you some time off, and I agree wholeheartedly with that sentiment.”

“I wouldn’t say no to that,” Jack murmured, giving Mac a smile before he glanced down at himself. “Though I guess I should put a shirt on first.”

“I’m not complaining about the view,” Mac said, actually pouting, and it was the cutest thing ever.

“Aw, aren’t you two just adorable,” Russ teased, walking up closer and throwing Jack his t-shirt. “Angus, I assume you would like some clothes instead of that jumpsuit?”

Mac suddenly tensed in Jack’s arms, but before he could ask what’s wrong Mac whispered, “Can you... not call me that? At least for a while?”

Russ’s face fell and he put a hand on Mac’s shoulder, squeezing lightly. “Of course, Mac, I’m so sorry,” he murmured, sounding more genuine than Jack had ever heard him. “Let me get you something else to wear, I’ll be right back.” He ducked out of the lab.

Jack stared after him, then said, “Huh. That might be the first time I’ve ever witnessed an apology from Russ Taylor.”

“Yeah, he... he’s changed a lot,” Mac said quietly, slowly relaxing in Jack’s arms. “He may have... not been entirely honest at first—a couple of times—but the truth is, he really wanted to change his ways.”

“Never thought I’d see that,” Jack muttered. “I still feel like punching him, though... for old time’s sake.”

“And I’d let you because I deserve it,” Russ said, bringing Mac a button-down shirt and a pair of jeans, along with some boots. “These were in your locker, I’m assuming they’ll do?”

“Yeah, thank you,” Mac replied, and then much to Jack’s shock he stood up and gave Russ a hug. “I really am sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Russ said quietly, seeming just as surprised as Jack was even as he returned the embrace.

He slipped out of the lab a moment later, and Mac striped out of the jumpsuit... revealing he was completely naked underneath it. Jack’s eyes widened and he couldn’t quite stifle the small sound that came out of his throat, and he forced himself to look up at the ceiling.

“You can look, you know,” Mac said in a teasing voice, but Jack didn’t dare look at him until he heard the shuffling of jeans being pulled up. When he did, Mac chewed on his lower lip and blushed a little. “I’m sorry, I... we may have done some... stuff. Me and you when I... took the DMT. So I keep forgetting that you haven’t actually—you know what, never mind.” He shook his head. “No idea who dressed me in that jumpsuit, Angus woke up in it in his cell. I think I’d rather not know.”

Jack felt a twinge of anger at the idea of someone stripping and redressing Mac without his consent, even if he was Angus at the time. He stood up and tugged Mac into his arms, his lean muscles warm where they were touching. “Wait just a dang second,” he drawled, smiling when Mac’s cheeks turned redder. “You did _stuff_ with the me in your head? What kinda stuff are we talking about, exactly?” He leaned in to whisper against Mac’s ear. “Anything you’d wanna repeat?”

Mac shivered in his arms, his hands coming up to rest on his shoulder. “Everything,” he breathed out, sighing when Jack pressed his lips to his jaw. “I’d want to repeat... everything. I... when I took DMT for the second time Angus found us when we were... making out.” He made a soft sound when Jack nipped lightly on his skin. “We didn’t do anything then, but... the other times I took it, things got... heated.”

“Mhmm, I’ll bet they did,” Jack murmured, one hand flat against Mac’s lower back, the other one dropping to rest in the back pocket of his jeans. “There isn’t a version of me that would be able to resist you if you gave me the green light.” He kissed Mac’s ear, then the skin behind it. “And there’s not a damn thing I don’t wanna do with you... or _to_ you.”

Mac’s arms wrapped around Jack’s neck and he exhaled shakily. “I want... everything with you. And I’d let you do whatever you want _to_ me.”

Jack groaned against his skin, squeezing Mac’s ass lightly. “Fuck, baby,” he said, closing his eyes and trying to get himself together and not shove Mac into the nearest storage room. “So... what did you do with me in your head? I’m curious.”

Mac pressed a smile against his cheek, one hand squeezing the back of his neck. “I think I should wait to tell you until after we talk to the others, big guy,” he whispered, scraping his teeth over Jack’s jaw. “Otherwise we might not make it up there.” He pulled back, grabbing Jack’s hand and tugging. “Come on.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Thank you SO much for your love and support on this fic! It's honestly the sweetest and Kaja and I are sooo grateful. <3 This is the end of the road for this fic, but don't worry! There's a sequel to this one in the works... and I'm posting the first chapter of our biggest ongoing project EVER next! I hope you enjoy the last chapter! <333

After Matty basically kicked them out of the Phoenix, telling them to take at least one week off, Mac followed Jack to the garage. They got inside one of the SUVs and Mac couldn’t help but smile when Jack grabbed his hand and started driving toward his house with one hand on the steering wheel. “Your GTO is in my garage,” he said after a moment, biting his lower lip. “I may have... used it while I took the DMT, but I swear I didn’t get anything on the leather.”

Jack brought Mac’s hand up to his mouth and kissed the back of it. “Baby, I love you way more than I love that car,” he said, voice a low, warm rumble. “But I’m glad you’ve been keeping her safe for me.”

Mac sighed and relaxed into his seat, relieved Jack wasn’t upset. And much to his surprise, the rest of the team wasn’t either—not even Riley, although she did tell him point blank she wasn’t apologizing for hitting him with that tire iron. He didn’t expect her to because he most definitely deserved it—he deserved much worse than that, but that was a different story. Everyone was surprisingly understanding and somehow they... still wanted him in their lives, and that was kind of blowing Mac’s mind. “All your stuff is at my place, actually,” he said, looking out the window. “We brought it over once your lease was up.”

“I was gonna ask you about that,” Jack admitted, chuckling a little. “I was wondering what happened to my shit, but you’re more important than that too.”

The rest of the ride passed in a companionable silence and soon they pulled into Mac’s driveway. Once they were in the house Mac walked over to the drawer where he kept the takeout menus and asked, “So, what do you want for dinner?”

Jack grinned at him and Mac knew the answer even before Jack asked, “Burgers?”

“Knew you’d gonna say it,” he replied, chuckling quietly and grabbing his phone. “The usual?”

“Hell yeah,” Jack said, his grin widening. “I missed those burgers from that little place not far from here, I had dreams about them.”

Mac waited until he placed their order before he kicked off his boots and wandered back over to Jack. “What else did you dream about?” he asked, making a surprised sound when Jack grabbed him by the hips and hauled him closer. “Anything involving me?”

“Maybe,” Jack murmured, leaning in to kiss the corner of his mouth, but pulling back when Mac tried to kiss him for real. “But as I recall...” he started, one arm circling Mac’s waist while his other hand slid into the back pocket of his jeans, just like in the lab. “You were supposed to tell me what... stuff you and I did in your head. The curiosity is killin’ me, baby.”

Mac flushed hot all over and he put his hands on Jack’s shoulders. He pushed down at the same time he used his legs to hop up, wrapping them around Jack’s waist and grinning when Jack grunted but puts his hands under Mac’s thighs for stability. “The stuff usually started with this,” Mac informed him, kissing the tip of Jack’s nose. “And it’s nice to know that my theory about you being able to carry me is right.”

Jack grinned up at him. “Anywhere in particular you’d like me to carry you?”

“Sure, I think the garage sounds awesome,” Mac said wryly, chuckling when Jack pinched his thigh.

“I know you’re teasin’, but just in case—we’re not having sex in the GTO,” Jack said, and then headed down the hallway and into Mac’s room. “Or is that what we did in your... fantasies?”

“Maybe once,” Mac admitted, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “We pretty much did it everywhere in my house... at your old apartment... even at the Phoenix. Apparently my subconscious is more kinky than I thought.” He smiled when Jack sat down on the edge of Mac’s bed and he wound up in his lap. “Once you fucked me in the war room on the table.”

Jack groaned and kissed the side of Mac’s neck. “Fuck, looks like we went all the way, huh?” he murmured, his hands sliding up and down Mac’s thighs. “Matty would kill us if she found out... though I’m guessin’ that was not the problem when we were doin’ it in your head.” He pulled back and raised his eyebrow. “Wait, exactly how many times did you take DMT? Because what you mentioned sounds like a _lot_ of sex.”

Mac ducked his head and felt his cheeks flame red. “About a dozen,” he mumbled, squeaking when he felt Jack’s hands squeeze his waist and pull him even closer. “And in between doses I’d dream about it.” He met Jack’s gaze and sucked in a breath when he saw how heated it was. “So what did _you_ dream about?”

“Well... let me just start by sayin’ that I’ve been dreamin’ about being you with you for years,” Jack murmured, nipping on Mac’s chin before kissing his way down his throat. “Not just on the mission. And the things I dreamed about... god, do you have any idea how... hard it is to wake up after a dream like that when you’re surrounded by guys from your team? Pun intended.”

Mac squeezed Jack’s thighs with his own, running his fingers through his short hair. “I... have some idea,” he replied, sucking in a sharp breath when Jack sucked a hickey into the skin over his pulse. “I used to have dreams like that back in the Sandbox about you. And almost all the times we’ve had to share a bed I’ve woken up hard.” He was half hard right now in his jeans and they hadn’t even kissed. “And just... _aching_ in the worst way. It took me a while to realize it was because I wanted you inside me.”

Jack let out a low groan, licking over the bruise he sucked into Mac’s skin. “And before you realized that, why did you think it was happening?” he asked, his hands sliding to the waistband of Mac’s jeans and yanking his shirt out. He slowly started working on the buttons, his lips moving to Mac’s birthmark.

“I... I thought I was just reacting to how attractive you were,” Mac gasped. “Even though you were pissing me off— _oh_.” He moaned when Jack’s teeth scraped over his birthmark. “You... you’d do that in my fantasies.”

“Oh yeah? What else did I do?” Jack asked, getting Mac’s shirt open and sliding it down his shoulders, touching him as much as possible as he did so.

When Mac shifted his hips he realized Jack was hard underneath him and shuddered when his cock slotted in between his ass cheeks through their clothes. “You... you t-teased me a lot,” he whispered, keening when Jack’s hand slid up his back, fingers tangling in his hair. “And you pulled my hair, like you’re doing now.”

“Looks like your subconscious got lots of things right, huh?” Jack murmured, pressing a kiss to Mac’s collarbone. His free hand slid down Mac’s back to his ass, groping it through the material of his jeans. “I’m definitely gonna tease you a lot, baby. One of the things I dreamed about was you... spread out underneath me, writhing in pleasure as I slowly took you apart... begging me for more.”

Mac pressed into Jack’s touch even as he reached for the hem of his t-shirt, pulling it up and over his head. He rolled his hips down, just to see what happened, and grinned when Jack’s eyes rolled back in his head. “You really think I’m just gonna lie there and take it?” he asked, leaning in to bite at Jack’s jaw and throat. “I mean, I’m all for you spreading me out underneath you, but you’re not getting away unscathed.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Jack mumbled, nipping on Mac’s collarbone and sucking another bruise into his skin. “So how does it feel, baby? In comparison to your drug induced fantasies?”

“It’s... so much better,” Mac gasped when Jack bit down a little harder, and then he made a surprised sound when Jack gripped him around the waist and tossed him on the mattress, climbing on top of him. “I... since I had never been with you, my mind had to... fill in the blanks. But it feels so much better than what I imagined.”

“Good,” Jack rumbled out, looming over him for a moment before he leaned down to kiss him on the mouth, soft and oddly chaste. Then his fingers found the button and fly on Mac’s pants and he opened them up, but he didn’t slip his hand inside. “What do you want, baby? Seems like you’ve got an awful lot to pick from in that pretty head of yours... so lay it on me.”

Mac swallowed hard and looks up at Jack, getting lost in those gorgeous, dark eyes. “I want... I want everything with you,” he whispered, his heart pounding. “I want you inside me... but right now I _really_ want you to touch me. Please.”

Jack didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to—everything he felt was on his face for Mac to see, plain as day for the first time. He leaned in and kissed Mac again on the mouth, then his cheek, then his jaw... and his hands pushed down Mac’s jeans to his thighs. Those big calloused hands were so incredibly gentle everywhere they touch him, including when Jack wrapped his fingers around his cock and gave him a firm, slow stroke that made Mac arch his back and let out a wordless cry.

“Fuck, baby,” Jack murmured, lifting his head to look down at him, watching him with a mesmerized look on his face. “You’re so fucking beautiful.”

Mac felt his cheeks burn and he moaned loudly when Jack set up a steady pace, stroking him with a tight grip. He reduced Mac to a whining mess pretty quickly, but Mac forced himself to concentrate, sliding his hands down to open Jack’s jeans and push them down. Jack let go of Mac’s cock, which sucked, but he helped Mac get them both out of the rest of their clothes, which was great. Then he lowered himself down on top of Mac, slotted between his legs, and groaned when their cocks pressed together. Mac’s hands roamed everywhere, touching all the skin he could possibly reach, because this was _so_ much better than anything his mind could conjure up.

While he had always known Jack was _strong_ he had no idea how amazing his hard muscles would feel under his fingertips. His scars also felt different than what he imagined and so did Jack’s kisses and the way his stubble brushed over his skin. Everything was just... so much more intense and Mac hooked one leg over Jack’s hips to bring him closer and grind them together. Jack gasped against his cheek, his hips rolling forward in response, and Mac was suddenly sure they could both come just like this.

That thought was enough to make him flail for his nightstand drawer, pulling out the lube and condoms and dropping them on the mattress. “Jack, _Jack_ ,” Mac panted, grasping at his face and pulling him in for a messy kiss. “I want more... please?”

Jack groaned into his mouth, one hand running up and down his side as they kiss for a moment, although it was mostly tongues and teeth. “Yeah, yeah, baby,” he mumbled, nipping on Mac’s lower lip and reaching for the lube.

Mac shivered when he heard him open it and a moment later he whimpered when he felt Jack’s finger teasingly rub over his entrance. He pushed it in gently and Mac dug his own fingers into Jack’s biceps, toes curling as this thing that he’d dreamed about for years now became a reality. He sighed once Jack’s finger started moving back and forth inside him, kissing Jack as his muscles relaxed under Jack’s careful touches.

Jack licked into his mouth and started exploring it almost lazily with his tongue, clearly not in any rush... and Mac realized that they _did_ have time. They were off, so there was no work, no missions, nobody was waiting for them. After a moment Jack added a second finger and scissors them apart, making Mac moan loudly, arms wrapping around Jack’s back to hold him close.

“Oh my god, that feels so good,” Mac breathed out, shuddering when Jack started mouthing over his jaw and throat as his fingers continued to work their magic. When he brushed Mac’s prostate for the first time it had him arching into his touch, making a ragged, broken sound. “Right there, Jack, _fuck_.”

“Yeah? Right here?” Jack murmured, and he pushed his fingers in deeper and a little harder. He found Mac’s prostate again right away, but instead of pulling back... he pressed his fingers against the spot, making Mac see stars.

“Oh fuck,” he whimpered, back arching off the mattress. “Oh, _oh_ , J-Jack—”

“Feels good, baby?” Jack asked, sucking another bruise into his neck. “Better than in your head?”

“Y-Yes, so much better,” Mac replied, his voice tapering into a high-pitched whine that he couldn’t control. He dropped his hands to the bed and twisted his fingers in the sheets when Jack slid a third finger in alongside the first two and started fucking him with them in earnest. “Jack, _please_ , I’m ready. Just get inside me.”

When Jack looked at him his eyes were almost black, wide with lust, and he smirked a little. “Impatient,” he murmured, and Mac swatted him on the head maybe a little harder than he intended. “Ow! Okay, okay,” Jack grumbled, but he was still smiling.

He reached for the condoms and Mac moved before he knew what he was doing, grabbing Jack’s wrist. “We...” he started and cleared his throat. “We don’t have to?”

Jack stilled and looked at him again, shifting his hand so he could grasp at Mac’s fingers. “You sure? I’m clean, but—”

“Me too,” Mac interjected, using his free hand to touch Jack’s cheek. “And I trust you.” That earned him a grinned and a kiss, and then Jack let go of his hand so he could slick up his cock with lube. Then he was shifting and lining himself up, brushing the head against Mac’s hole. Mac’s breath hitched and his eyes widened because Jack was _big_ , definitely bigger than what Mac’s mind made him believe.

“You good?” Jack asked, his voice strained.

Mac nodded right away. “Y-yeah, yeah, _please_ —”

“Okay, baby,” Jack interjected softly, leaning down to kiss him... and then he slowly started pushing in. Mac threw his head back, lips parting in a soundless cry as Jack’s cock invaded his body, splitting him open in the best way possible. He pulled at the sheets with his hands and whimpered when Jack grabs his wrists, pinning them above his head. “You’re so gorgeous, darlin’,” he said hoarsely, mouth pressed to Mac’s ear. “And you feel so fucking good.”

Mac moaned in response, panting as he tried to get used to the stretch. Jack stayed still once he bottomed out, his fingers tightly wrapped around Mac’s wrists which was making Mac shiver with want. “You... you can move,” he whispered, pushing against Jack’s hold, just to see... but Jack just pinned him down again, smirking at him.

He did move, oh so slowly, drawing his hips back and pushing them forward again. For a moment Mac thought he was doing it to be a shit, but then he realized Jack’s muscles were trembling lightly and he was just as turned on and close to the edge as Mac. He squeezed Mac’s wrists and started thrusting in earnest a moment later, still not too fast or hard, their bodies rocking together as they figured out each other’s rhythm.

Mac gasped with every thrust, moaning when Jack started nipping on the side of his neck. A moment later his hips snapped a little harder and Mac cried out when Jack hit his prostate, both legs wrapping around Jack’s waist. “Oh god, Jack,” Mac groaned, gasping when Jack shifted his grip so that he was holding down Mac’s wrists with one hand and slid his other arm under his back.

“Fuck, darlin’,” Jack moaned, biting at his jaw next, his hips moving faster now, each thrust harder than the last. “Always knew... you’d be good for me, but I had no idea... _how_ good.”

He squeezed Mac’s wrists hard and pulled him impossibly closer with the arm under his back... and then he let go, hips moving wildly, rough and unforgiving. Mac cried out sharply when Jack slammed into his prostate and before he could catch his breath Jack hit the spot again, again. It felt so damn _good_ , so unbelievably amazing, and Mac could only lie there and take it. He knew he wasn’t going to last long, his vision blurring with involuntary tears, but he was determined to draw it out as much as he could.

He squeezed Jack’s hips with his thighs on his next thrust in, keeping him pressed against his prostate as Mac gasped and writhed with the fire licking up his spine. Then he got an idea and used his legs and abs to roll them over, dislodging Jack’s grip on his wrists and allowing his cock to get even deeper somehow as Mac’s weight bore down on it. If he wasn’t so turned on he would laugh at the dumbfounded look on Jack’s face, but he didn’t feel like laughing now. He straddled his hips and pushed his hair out of his eyes before smirking down at Jack, placing his hands flatly on his chest.

“Told you I wasn’t going to just take it,” he said, and then lifted himself up and slammed down on Jack’s cock, crying out loudly.

“Oh god, baby, that’s perfect,” Jack choked out, his hands flying to Mac’s hips and squeezing tight enough to bruise. “ _You’re_ perfect, _fuck_ , you’re everything I’ve ever wanted.”

Mac moaned when he heard those words, the warmth in his gut burning hotter, and he rolled his hips in tight little circles, leaning down to kiss Jack hard on the mouth. “Then come for me,” he told him, digging his fingernails into his skin. “Come inside me, make me yours.”

Jack groaned loudly, his grip on Mac’s hips tightening even more. He started thrusting up, meeting Mac halfway, and it only took a moment of them rocking together for him to let out a desperate sound as he started coming. His rhythm faltered and his hips moved erratically as he pumped his come into Mac, and feeling that warmth fill him up was enough to push Mac over the edge too. His hips stuttered and he made an animalistic sound, squeezing hard around Jack’s softening cock as he spurted all over his own stomach.

With a soft little moan Mac stopped moving and collapsed on top of Jack, boneless and completely spent, face buried in his neck. “Best. Sex. Ever.”

After a moment he felt Jack’s arms wrap around him and squeeze him tightly. “I can relate,” he mumbled. “I ain’t never felt that good, baby. Holy fuck, it was out of this world.”

Mac couldn’t help but grin widely against Jack’s skin and he snuggled as close as he could. “Mhmm,” he murmurs, breathing in Jack’s smell. “I love you so much.”

“I love you more,” Jack replied, kissing the top of Mac’s head. The fingers of one hand drew idle shapes against Mac’s ribs, and Jack seemed to be totally relaxed underneath him. “So would it be bold of me to presume I’m staying in here and not in the guest room?”

Mac laughed and lifted his head, kissing Jack’s cheek. “Not at all. I want you right here with me.”

“Good,” Jack murmured. “Nowhere else I’d rather be.”

Mac bit his lower lip and took a minute to gather his courage. “Actually...” he started. “You kind of... don’t have an apartment, right? And all your stuff is here.”

“Both of those things are true,” Jack said quietly. “What are you sayin’?”

“I’m saying that... maybe you’d like to move in with me?” Mac asked, his heart pounding. “And stay in my bed... permanently?”

Jack brought up a hand and carded it through Mac’s hair, a huge grin spreading on his handsome face. “I would love that,” he murmured, still smiling when Mac kissed him. “Should’ve asked Matty if I still have a job, though.”

Mac rolled his eyes and pinched Jack’s arm, smiling when he yelped. “You stood in the war room with me while she sent us _both_ on vacation, remember? I’m pretty sure you’re safe.”

Jack looked at him for a moment before he leaned in to kiss him again. “You’re right, as always,” he said, smiling softly, and god, Mac was so in love with him it hurt.

He grinned and snuggled up against him again... but then his head snapped up when he realized something. “Oh god,” he breathed out. “I completely forgot—how did your mission go? What about Kovacs? Are you okay? You didn’t get hurt, right?”

Jack chuckled and smacked a kiss to Mac’s forehead, using the hand that was still in his hair to tug his head back down to Jack’s shoulder. “Relax, darlin’, I’m fine. Got a little banged up at one point but I healed. Kovacs is dead for real this time, he ain’t gonna bother anyone again... and I’ve got a whole strike team that’s chomping at the bit to meet you.”

Mac’s eyes widened in surprise. “What? But... why?”

“Because they’re a bunch of bastards, that’s why,” Jack grumbled, but Mac could hear the fondness in his voice. “They could tell I was missing someone who wasn’t Riley and they were so damn persistent that eventually they got it all out of me.” A pause. “Well, I wasn’t putting up much of a fight, it felt nice to tell someone about how I felt about you. But now they want to meet you.”

Mac smiled a little, tilting his head back so he could look at Jack. “That could be fun. Invite them out for a weekend, they can stay here as long as they don’t mind sleeping on the floor.” When Jack raised his eyebrows and looked at him incredulously, Mac’s smile widened. “What? If we’re a couple now we should meet each other’s friends, right? What could possibly go wrong?”

“Oh no, whenever you ask that question something usually blows up a moment later,” Jack said, and Mac chuckled, punching him lightly in the shoulder. Jack pouted a little and then he smiled softly. “So we’re a couple, huh?”

“Yeah, I mean... we _are_ in bed together,” Mac said, unable to stop smiling. “And we just moved in together... sounds like something a couple would do.”

“Huh, I guess that’s true,” Jack mused, leaning in to kiss Mac, gentle and sweet. “You know... if it would make you feel better, we could go to therapy together. God knows I’ve got enough crap to unload on someone.”

“You’d... you would do that for me?” Mac asked, his heart beating faster.

Jack grinned at him and kissed him again. “Baby, there’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for you.”


End file.
